I'd like to think that being a teacher for nine years will help me be a better parent. Of course there are real differences between teaching children and parenting them, but I hope I have learned some helpful strategies by interacting with more than 320 children.
For example, I learned a lot by reading Lee Canter's
Assertive Discipline. In that book, he talks about the importance of:
- Teaching children how to see their own behavior as a choice that they are in control of
- Helping children clearly understand the consequences of their actions, both positively and negatively
- Following through on consequences consistently and without emotion
I see these three fundamental strategies break down over and over again in families. In my own family, for example, I remember my parents screaming at my brother, "If you don't clean up your room right now, we're going to throw everything away!"
For starters, we should try to avoid letting these kinds of situations escalate into shouting, anger, and explosive emotions. I know it's easier said than done! Parents can be under immense amount of stress as they try to juggle everything in their lives, and it can be difficult to maintain equanimity.
Second, we should never blurt out consequences that we won't actually follow-through on. Children can only learn that there are real consequences for their choices, if we set up situations in which we can actually follow-through with those consequences.
I've seen this play out in other ways, too. For example, a colleague of mine has a very needy and whiny daughter. While we were out to lunch together, the daughter was sitting on the mother's lap, whining for some of her drink. The mother did a great job of trying to empower her daughter by saying, "You're welcome to get some of my drink, but you need to get it yourself. You know how to do it."
But the child persisted in wanting the mother to bring the cup to her mouth for her. She continued whining and fidgeting. The mother tried to continue her conversation with the rest of us and would occasionally stop to remind the daughter that she could have some of the drink if she got it herself.
After a few minutes of this, the mother relented and brought the cup to her daughter's lips.
What did the daughter learn in that situation? She learned that when her mother tries to establish boundaries and expectations, she doesn't really mean it. She learned that if she is persistent and annoying enough, she will get her way. She learned that she doesn't have to accept responsibility for herself.
Something similar happened with another friend of ours. The little boy was sitting on a chair in the house and throwing the ball off the chair. He would then whine for his father to get the ball for him. The dad said, "If you want the ball, you need to get it yourself." The son persisted with his whining and pouting. The dad persisted with his message: "If you want the ball, you need to get it for yourself."
Finally, the dad relented and got the ball for his son. Again, the son internalizes these lessons: When my parents give me boundaries and expectations, they don't really mean it. If I am persistent and annoying enough, I will get my way. I don't have to accept responsibility for myself or my actions.
I don't mean to say that we should parent in robotic ways or that we shouldn't do things for our children. However, if we want to raise children who accept responsibility for their actions and who make good choices for themselves, we need to give them lots of practice in the little moments. If we tell them they need to get the ball if they want it, then we need to follow-through with that expectation, even if they break down and engage in a major tantrum. If we tell them they are welcome to help themselves to our drink but we aren't going to hold the cup for them, then we need to follow-through with that expectation--especially if they get more whiny and insistent about it!
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