Reflections on 40: Entering a New Decade

As my fortieth birthday approaches (beginning of February), I continue to reflect on where I've been and where I'm going. I realized that my life has played out in interesting ways across the decades:

In my 20s: 

I was figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. I knew that I wanted to do non-profit work and wanted to be part of the solution to our world's problems, but I didn't know exactly what or how. Toward that end, I explored a lot of areas until I refined my focus into making the Montessori approach accessible to all children and implementing it in a way that ensures equitable outcomes for all:

• AmeriCorps to recruit and train reading tutors for the public school system
• Teach For America (where I solidified my focus on public education as a vehicle for social justice)
• KIPP (where I learned that schools can address issues of poverty without waiting for poverty to be solved systemically)
• A year-long sabbatical where I learned to lean into my penchant for planning, dreaming, and scheming
• Montessori training

In my 30s: 

I knew what I wanted out of life, and I hunkered down to make it happen. Toward that end, I:

• Got married
• Had two children
• Built our family house
• Started Montessori For All

And so now what do my 40s have in store? I simply want to enjoy it and do it better. I don't want to take on anything new or accomplish anything else. I simply want to focus on what I have and continue to strengthen my self so that I'm a better wife, mother, daughter, leader, colleague, and friend. 

It is not lost on me that this is basically my only decade with my family at home. By the end of this decade, Henry will be 16 and Tate will be 14. I want to lean into my time with them and make the very most of it. 

Fortunately, these realizations align really nicely with the intentions I have in mind for 2018!

For updates in between blog posts, check out Instagram! 

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Hello, 2018!

Some of my friends were worried about me after receiving my somewhat depressing holiday card recap of 2017. I had to assure them that I was actually feeling a lot better by the time the year was coming to a close and I was gearing up for 2018. 

My theme for this year is Sustain & Strengthen. If I were going to use a yoga metaphor to explain, it would be that I'm not going to introduce any new poses into my repertoire; I'm simply going to keep practicing the ones I know so that I'm doing them with more strength, composure, and grace. 

It means that I cut things off my list (like I'm not going to start an Austin chapter of Navigators USA), and I'm not going to commit to learning the ukulele (I still might do it, but I'm not going to set it as a goal that I'm gunning for). 

I'm only adding two "new" things this year: journaling and therapy. Journaling is such a powerful tool in my life. It enables me to process what's going on, set goals, adjust them as necessary, hold myself accountable, work things out, and generally be a better person. I'm also looking forward to starting therapy for many of the same reasons. I'm going to add those two tools to my list of strategies that I want to maintain in the new year:

• Exercising at least two times per week
• Talking with a leadership coach every other week
• Consistent routines: stopping work by 8pm, getting sufficient sleep, staying hydrated, not eating out too much, practicing gratitude and meditation

I essentially want to sustain and deepen the three core buckets in life (according to The Good Life Project): Contribution, Connection, and Vitality. 

I have specific ways that I want to be a better leader and colleague in the upcoming year (and once I accomplish my most immediate goals, I will use journaling and leadership coaching to start working on the next set). I also have specific ways that I want to be a better mother, wife, and family member. I want to generate ideas for deepening my friendships (and building new ones), and I want to maintain the vitality habits I already have. 

It sounds so vague when I try to describe it! Inside my journal, it's much clearer. I have a statement that I want to be true about this year, the ways I will be able to measure whether or not that statement is coming to fruition, and the strategies I'm going to employ to be successful. I'm going into it knowing that the strategies will evolve throughout the year through therapy, leadership coaching, and journaling. 

I'm excited about the year ahead! 

Sending lots of well wishes your way for an awesome new year,

Sara

For updates in between blog posts, check out Instagram! 

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Saying Farewell to 2017 (See You in 2018!)

We are so close to the end of the year, my friends! 

I do feel like I've made the most of this year. I am so grateful for all that I have, and I want to savor every last bit of it. 

I'm still brainstorming what I hope to manifest in 2018. I started writing a lot of different things on one single page: savor, being rather than doing, family goals, slow to say yes and fast to say no, sustain, friends/connection, ukulele, tennis, Saturday Suppers, starting an Austin chapter of Navigators, 40th birthday party, podcast, a weekend away with Matt, getting our will done, therapy, beautiful office. 

Then I started circling the things that stood out to me.

Then I remembered something I've been working on this year professionally--before I commit to taking on new things, I make a list of all the things I want to sustain because the energy/capacity we have to take on new things is connected to what we are trying to sustain. 

I want to sustain:

• Leadership coaching
• Vacations: Spring, Summer, Fall
• Two runs per week outside
• Stopping work at 8pm so I have free time
• Tracking expenses in Mint.com
• Family Goals
• Saturday Suppers
• Adequate sleep
• Meditation/gratitude
• Date night

That's so much already! Do I really want to take on anything new? 

So I went through my favorite exercise: asking myself what I need on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis to feel fulfilled. 

Daily:

• A home cooked meal with my family around our table
• Adequate sleep
• Meaningful work that makes the world a more just, equitable, and peaceful place
• Time to connect with Matt
• A breakfast smoothie
• A healthy lunch
• Self-directed time
• An organized living space

Weekly:

• Exercise
• Time to talk to my mom
• Time to text/talk with family/friends
• Blogging
• Self-time in the house alone
• Time to prepare for the week

Monthly:

• Pedicure
• Cheap massage
• Saturday Supper
• Navigators meeting
• A cool adventure
• Crafting
• Date night with Matt
• Time to reflect on progress toward my yearly goals
• Therapy

Yearly:

• Vacations
• Birthday celebrations
• A trip by myself
• A trip with just Matt alone
• Family rituals

So what's starting to emerge for me is this idea of Sustain & Strengthen or Sustain & Deepen. I'm already doing so many things I want to do and living the life I want to live. I just need to sustain what I'm doing. 

I'm going to think about this more over the rest of the holiday season and into the new year. 

I'm wishing you and yours a wonderful holiday season and a rejuvenating new year! See you on the other side!

For updates in between blog posts, check out Instagram! 

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JOIN US!: Registration is currently open for the next Purposeful Conception Course: Preparing Your Mind, Body, and Life for Pregnancy, which starts on January 8! Register now! We'd love to have you join us!

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DIY Zippered Pouches (and Thoughts on Being Instead of Doing)

This year I decided to make presents for my closest colleagues. I used to be that kind of person, but motherhood kind of erased it from my muscle memory. 

I had to make 11 in all, so I wanted something that was manageable. 

I decided on this zippered pouch. I find that "Batch Processing" helps a lot. I cut all the fabric at the same time, ironed everything at the same time, sewed on all the zippers, etc. The process of only focusing on one thing at a time makes the process more efficient. 

In retrospect, I should not take on a project like this in October/November. It's a time of year that gets too busy. I'm doing a good job of staying ahead of things (like holiday cards--which are ready to mail after Thanksgiving!), but there are too many things on my to-do list, and it's pushing me into "to do" mode instead of allowing me to be a person who can just be.  

I recently teared up while watching this video, entitled, If I Were a Young Woman Now...

It's about modern womanhood and the pressures we put on ourselves to be the perfect mother, the perfect friend. I think a lot about how I'm part of that pressure (which comes so heavily from the emergence of the blogging community). I also run e-courses about trying to have the best possible pregnancy and how to be the most purposeful parent possible. 

There's such a fine line between trying to intentionally and purposefully live your best life and frittering it away by overly focusing on all the wrong things. 

These kinds of lines really stuck out to me: 

If I had my time again, I wouldn't create a to do list. I'd create a "to don't do" list...If I were a young woman now, I'd spend less time doing and more time being. 

The truth is, I do want to be the kind of person who makes handmade gifts for friends but not because I feel pressure to be the perfect friend. I want to do it because making things with my hands feels good to me and gives me a deep sense of accomplishment. It's meditative to cut and iron and sew. I want my boys to see me start with a small nugget of an idea, research how to make it happen, work hard, make mistakes, demonstrate resilience, and feel successful in the end. It's a great way to spend long, Sunday afternoons while the boys just want to play creatively around the house. 

So next time I'll start earlier in the year. And not in any pressure-kind-of-way. No, I'll just start making handmade gifts and collecting them so that I can use them at the right moment. 

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Hello, Friends!

How have you been, dear Friends? 

Frankly, I've been overwhelmed by the weight of injustice in the world with the ascendance of Trump to power plus the resurgence of explicit, public white supremacy advocacy plus the spiraling threat of climate change plus the threat to immigrant rights and the rights of multiple other groups along various lines of difference. The worse part is that I know that my friends, colleagues, and neighbors who have less privilege than I do (as a white, cis-gender heterosexual with economic advantage) have to shoulder the weight of the injustice even more than I do.

I continue to fight against injustice by focusing on a liberation-based educational approach (i.e., Montessori) and continuing to support the evolution of the Montessori approach through anti-bias and anti-racist thinking, but it's been hard to shake the general pall that clouds my world. 

It has felt impossible to write about things as trivial as Halloween costumes or home-cooked meals on this blog, but I finally came to realize that this space is like a gratitude journal for me. It gives me respite from the storm and enables me to elevate the things about life that I want to be true for all people. I want all people to have the time, space, resources, and opportunity to live a purposeful and joyful life (while continuing to advocate for others to be able to do the same). When I write in this space, I'm carving out space to think about the kind of family and community I want to foster. I'm taking a break from the 11 hours I spend working to eliminate injustice every day and focusing on the things that are right in my world, even when I'm overwhelmed by what's wrong. 

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Update on Montessori For All

Those of you who have been around these parts for a while have heard me talk about my dream to start a non-profit organization that would open Austin's first public Montessori school and then open other public Montessori schools in diverse cities across the U.S. I wrote many posts about "dwelling in possibility." If you're interested, you can read all about it (along with other cool public Montessori stuff happening) in an article from One Day Magazine called: "How a Montessori Movement is Reinventing Public Schools." It's been a lot of years in the making and has required a lot of sacrifice, but I'm so honored to get to do this work. 

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My New Year's Resolutions

The New Year is upon us. I love this time of year. As much as I love getting cozy and creative for Christmas, I am always eager to clear out the tree, take down the holiday decorations and have an uncluttered space both physically and emotionally. I love dwelling in possibility, planning, and being intentional about the kind of year I want to have. 

(Side note: I often think about how unpredictable and fragile life is, how everything could change in an instant and my life could be completely derailed, but I tap into the fear and the worry to find the energy to face forward and live the life I've always imagined while I have the opportunity to do so.)

I start the process of looking forward by actually look backward. Here were some of the highlights of 2015:

• Hosting a Reflection & Rejuvenation Party for a group of wonderful women
• Hosting a concert in our living room
• Traveling to the AMI Montessori Refresher Course
• Hosting a ton of visitors at our school for SXSWedu
• Traveling to the AMS Montessori conference
• Traveling to San Diego with my family for Spring Break
• Traveling to the Yale School of Management education reform conference
• Taking a Britney Spears dance class
• Traveling to Lake Tahoe with family
• Attending the Montessori Unconference
• Hosting a Reflection & Rejuvenation Retreat
• Traveling to Puerto Rico with just Matt
• Traveling to Florida for my grandparents' anniversary party
• Hosting two Backyard Movie Nights
• Taking Henry on a canoe trip with our school to see bats under the bridge
• Lots of date nights to the Alamo Draft House
• Joining our school camping trip for the afternoon
• Traveling to the Pacific Northwest for Fall Break
• Hosting a Halloween Party
• Finishing my Purposeful Parenthood Course

My goal for this year was "Balance." I definitely feel like I took major steps toward finding more balance in my life. My life is no longer just all work and mothering.

This year, I want to focus on "Health & Wellness." I want to get into the best shape of my life and figure out how to sustain it for the rest of my life. Here are my specific, measurable goals:

1. Start the year with the 21-day cleanse from Clean and work through a book about breaking the emotional eating habit. 
2. Eat more salads with dinner. 
3. Drink at least 80 ounces of water each day.
4. Run once on the weekend and once during the week. 
5. Go to yoga once a week. 
6. Do 15 minutes of strength building once a week (either MommaStrong or my back exercises). 
7. Cultivate a daily meditation and gratitude practice.
8. Publish five books. 
9. Clean and organize our house before the boys go to bed each night. 
10. Track our expenses in Mint.com daily so that we are able to hit our saving goals. 
11. Invite friends over monthly. 
12. Use my work time in the evening to clear out my inbox and do bigger-picture planning. Try to move all projects into slots during the work day.  
13. Reflect each month about how I'm doing toward these goals.

I know the research shows that New Year's Resolutions last about five minutes, but I think it's incredibly powerful to set them anyway. I went back to my journal from eight years ago, and this is the vision I wrote for my future:

1. We live in a beautiful house. It’s beautiful because it is surrounded by green and it is washed in natural light. And we have a very pleasing aesthetic sense. And it’s full of comfortable spots. Our home is our sanctuary and our inspiration and the center of our entertaining life.
2. We have friends over for ugly sweater parties and scavenger hunts and fondue and Scrabble and dance parties. We entertain outside with Christmas lights.
3. We have a garden. We grow food for ourselves. And lots of herbs.
4. I have time for projects during the weekends. I am not consumed with work.
5. I can work at home a few hours every day.
6. I have significant time for vacation.
7. I am passionate about my work. It does not feel like work. It feels like breathing.

The trick, I think, is to revisit these goals throughout the year. I want to get back into my monthly reflection posts. It helps me a lot!

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Join us for the upcoming Purposeful Parenthood course! We'll be reflecting on the kind of family we are and the kind of family we want to become. Learn more...Register now! We start next Monday!

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Time to Hibernate

I'm laughing as I write the word "hibernate" because living in Central Texas requires anything but hibernating. This weekend I went running around the lake in shorts and a t-shirt!

But Winter Break is upon us, and it's time for me to hang up my blogging shoes until January. Even though we are working really hard to keep our holiday season low-key, we are still going to be busy spending time with family. 

I need to really think about what my intentions are going to be for next year. I want to shift my focus away from doing to being. As much as possible. I'll always be a doer. And what we do affects who we are. But you know what I mean. 

My word for 2015 was "balance." I didn't do too great of a job achieving that, but I'm on the right pathway for sure. 

For 2016, I'm really drawn toward focusing on my health and wellness. I feel like my body is desperately out of shape. My clothes don't fit. My muscles are weak. My back is still hurting me. 

I want to continue to be a positive and present parent. We've seen such a positively shift in Henry lately. I'm excited about my upcoming Purposeful Parenthood course and hope that you'll join us! 

I also want to self-publish five children's books with Matt. And I want to strengthen my graphic design skills to support that work. 

There I go with all that doing again. 

I honestly can't believe that we are nearly 20 years into this century. The year 2000 seems like yesterday. I want to cherish this time with my children. I know it's going to go fast. I'm looking forward to lots of vacations this year: at least three with my family, one with just Matt and me, and one by myself. 

I still have to formally fill out a reflection form and might even host the Third Annual Reflection & Rejuvenation Get Together.

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Join us for the upcoming Purposeful Parenthood course! We'll be reflecting on the kind of family we are and the kind of family we want to become. Learn more...Register now!

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Why I'm Not a Stay-at-Home Mom

I went to great lengths to stay at home with Henry for the first year of his life. With Tate, I stayed at home with him for the first 5-6 months of his life and then worked at home for the remainder of his first year of life with the help of a nanny. I felt like it was really important to provide them with that kind of foundation. But now that I'm a working mom, I don't ever want to go back!

I sometimes get romantic notions about homeschooling my children. However, now that I've been home with them for one week of summer vacation (only one week!) I am quickly coming to my senses. Don't get me wrong--I am incredibly grateful that I get three weeks off this summer to be with my children. We are enjoying our time together and making memories.

But I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mother. The job is not at my personal intersection of what fills my heart with gladness and meets the world's greatest needs. It was something I could temporarily do early on in their lives, but, for me, it was a sacrifice. And you can only sacrifice yourself for the goal of being a good mother for so long before you are no longer a good mother because you aren't sharing your authentic self or authentic happiness with your children.

I'm making the best out of our days. We spend the mornings going somewhere like the Nature and Science Center. Then we head home for lunch. Tate starts his nap around noon, while Henry and I do some reading and writing work. In reading, he reviews all his letter sounds and practices reading words (like pet, set, met, pen, den) and sentences (like "A fat cat sat on Dad."). In math, he practices counting objects and matching them to number cards. After that, he plays independently for 45 minutes (I set a timer) and then he gets to watch TV (like Bill Nye the Science Guy or Handy Manny) for the remainder of Tate's nap. In the afternoon, we usually visit a friend and swim in our pool.

I'm enjoying our long, leisurely summer days, but they are long! And they are hard! Corralling and coercing children all day long is draining!

I just need to be honest with myself about my authentic path. It's not being a stay-at-home mom. It's not homeschooling my kids (at least while they are young).

Each of us need to find our own paths without any kind of guilt. Those of us who are drawn to work outside of the home need to understand that fulfilling our needs outside of the home allows us to bring our best selves to our children when we do spend time with them. It really is about quality, not quantity.

And for those of you who are choosing to stay home or to homeschool, you shouldn't feel any kind of guilt or regret about not advancing in your "career" or not doing something as "prestigious" as some of your high school or college peers.

Once we identify our authentic paths, it's important to muster the courage to stay the course. We owe it to ourselves and those in our lives.

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Self-Help Daily Digest

I love receiving daily updates from Brian Johnson. He reads self-help books and synthesizes them into brief summaries and videos. A lot of the concepts he covers are things that I grappled with in my twenties--things that now enable me to set ambitious goals and break them down into smaller next steps. 

One of the updates from last week is still something I'm thinking about:

------from Brian Johnson------

“The key to becoming world-class in your endeavors is to build your performance around world-class routines. It can be difficult, even futile, to predict or control what will show up in the middle of your workday. But you can almost always control how your day starts and ends. I have routines for both.”  ~ Darren Hardy from The Compound Effect This. Is. HUGE. (Seriously. Huge. (!!!)) We need to “bookend our days” with awesomeness. I’ve never seen anyone articulate this as well as Darren does in the book where he walks us through what he does in the morning and night. Super inspiring stuff. I call my bookends “AM Rituals” and “PM Rituals.” In reality, the PM Rituals drive the AM so we’ll start there. First, Alexandra and I practice what we call “digital sunset”—all electronics go off when the sun goes down, along with bright lights. We eat an early dinner, go on our family walk (we’ve missed maybe 5 nights in the last 2+ years) and get ready for bed right after putting the little man to bed. As I’ve mentioned, I like to make going to bed early a sport. Why? Because going to bed super early let’s me *easily* get up super early and get more done before the family gets up than I used to do in a pretty good day. That’s the PM Ritual side of things. Again, not checking out ESPN.com (or whatever) at night on my iPhone is one of *the* key reasons I get up feeling so great. AM Rituals: I get up early without an alarm. This AM was a little nutty early: 3:30 am. (But I went to bed at 7:00 pm so it wasn’t a big deal.) I meditated for 20 minutes. Did yoga for 5. And immediately started working on this Note—which I had decided end of day yesterday would be my #1 for today. It’s 5:45, I’ve been cranking on it since 4:23 and making great progress. (Sidenote: I found that it’s UNBELIEVABLY easier to write/think/etc. first thing in the (super early) morning when everything is quiet and I just meditated—I can crank out stuff in a fraction of the time vs. later in the day when my mind is full/distracted. Highly recommend it.)It’s *really* hard to have a bad day with those bookends. And, stated positively, it feels REALLY good to just crush it and get the most important things done first. We’ll have fun going off on this more. For now, how can you bookend your days to create even more awesomeness?! Get on that! Dig that Big Idea? You’ll probably enjoy Brian’s PhilosophersNotes. Imagine the best optimal living books (ever) distilled into fun, inspiring, practical little Notes (6-page PDFs + 20-minute MP3s = more wisdom in less time). Throw in Optimal Living classes that bring the Big Ideas to life and you have Brian’s Optimal Living program--all about helping you optimize your life so you can reach your potential. Learn more here.

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These Days

A couple weeks ago at church, the minister started to do a sermon about being happy with what you have. She then realized that she wanted to talk more about identifying the things you want to bring into your life and making a plan for how to get them. 

She asked us to make a "jealousy map" by writing the names of the people we were jealous of, the specific qualities/things we were jealous of, and what it might look like for us to bring that quality/thing into our lives. 

I immediately thought back to my twenties when I harbored lots of jealousy for the people around me. I was jealous of friends who were prettier than I was, more creative, more fashionable, came from wealthier families--the list goes on! 

But I was hard-pressed to think of anything that I'm jealous of now. I realized that two things were at play: 

1. Getting married and being in a long-term, nurturing relationship has helped me shed the insecurities I used to feel about not being pretty enough or cool enough. It's hard to know whether these have gone away because of the strength and security I get from marriage or from the maturity that comes from getting older--but either way, I'm glad they're gone! 
2. I've spent the last 15 years creating the kind of life I want to have. I've found my way toward meaningful work, I found my life partner, we were fortunate enough to bring two healthy children into the world, and we have a home filled with figurative and literal light. 

And I'm settling into this life more and more with each passing day. My job is becoming less overwhelming as the weeks go by, and the boys are getting more and more fun (I've confessed before that I am not an infant/toddler kind of person!). 

I just want to be sure to savor this time in our lives because I know it's going to go by quickly. I watch my friends' children growing up on Facebook, and I can't believe how fast it happens. There are children I taught as 3rd graders (which feels like just yesterday!) and they are suddenly going into high school. 

The other night I asked Matt what we should do to make sure we fully appreciate and embrace the time we have with our young children. He said we should keep on doing what we're doing--dinners together, playing together on the weekends--but we should also prioritize vacations and travel together to create those fun memories and experiences together. We're trying to decide if we want to spend six months abroad when the boys are a little older or if we just want to go on smaller vacations throughout the year. Or maybe both! The trip we took to San Francisco during Fall Break was an amazing time to experience the city through the eyes of our children and spend a ton of fully-engaged, quality time together. 

Image from the S. Carey living room concert Matt signed us up to host 

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My Secret Passion

There are many paths my life could have taken. If I didn't go into the field of preK-12 education, I might have been a gay rights lawyer. Or a dancer. 

Yes, I have a not-so-secret passion for dancing. In fact, I was a cheerleader for eight years of my life (all the way through varsity) just because I loved the dancing part. I couldn't stomach the rest of it, so I quit and joined the swim team in 11th grade. 

But dancing! I love it. And I've been thinking about ways to reconnect with it. 

The other day, I remembered that many years ago, I used to daydream about having a "dance studio" in my home--an entire room dedicated to dance. Our current house already feels packed to the gills, so I thought about how I could possibly make this happen for myself. 

And then the idea hit me. What if I replaced our closet doors with glass doors? Instant dance studio! There's just enough room between our closet and our bed to dance a little. 

And so my birthday gift to myself this year will be my glass door dance studio and four weeks of classes at Ballet Austin. I'm going to learn the choreography to a terrible song (but it's an awesome dance!). I'm super-excited about. Specifically, I'm excited to get some movement back into my body. I really am starting to feel stiffer and stiffer as the years pass by. 

Luckily the dance class isn't until April, so there's still time to save up for the glass doors. We only allocate a certain amount to spend on our house each month. Last month it was Matt's desk from IKEA. This month it's a jungle gym for Tate and Henry in the backyard. Next month might be these sculptures from Etsy. And April can be the glass doors?!? 

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Movie Recommendation: Something, Anything

Yesterday I wrote all about a film that recently resonated with me: Something, Anything. I feel fortunate that I had a chance to interview the producer, Ashley Maynor. Here's what we talked about:

How long have you been a film producer and what exactly does being a film producer entail? 

• I’ve produced films since 2005—both my own and those of other writer/directors. The easiest way to explain the role of a producer is through this metaphor: If you think of the writer/director of the film as a birth mother (with the film as the baby), then the producer is the midwife. You can birth a film without a producer—or even produce it yourself as a director—but it’s far better to have a guide and advocate along the way to help make the process less painful. In a film’s credits, the title “producer” can mean a lot of things—from someone who raised the financing, to the manager of the film crew, to the person responsible for the schedule and budget. I do all of those things on the films I work on, but I’m also what you’d call a “creative producer”—I’m a partner to the writer/director. I get involved early on in the project, giving feedback on the script and story. On set, I offer feedback on the performance and other creative aspects, and I’m present through the film’s entire edit. My job is to make the film better, to problem solve any logistical issues that arise, and to support the director’s creative vision. 

When did you first realize you wanted to be a film producer and what was your journey like to become one? 

• I didn’t ever set out to produce films. It was quite a detour that I began making films in the first place—I actually dropped out of a PhD program in Comparative Literature to go to film school! But, once I got there, I realized I had a talent for producing. I’m super organized; I know how to stretch a dollar; I’m a creative problem-solver. So, in a way, producing sort of picked me. People saw I could do it, and I just kept getting asked to work on projects. My producing skills really solidified, though, after I was selected for the Sundance Institute’s Creative Producing Fellowship in 2012. This program offered me incredible mentorship from great independent film producers like Anne Carey, Lynette Howell, Paul Mezey, Alex Orlovsky, and Pam Koffler and I’ve learned everything I know through their generous guidance. 

Can you give examples of times when you had to muster up immense courage in order to pursue your authentic path? 

• I’m of the opinion that every moment I spend making creative work demands immense courage. Even though I work a 9-5 schedule (I’m a digital humanities librarian by day), I try to touch my creative work each day. And each time I do, I have to face a lot of fear: fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of just how hard the work will be. I keep Mary Oliver’s poem “The Summer Day” close at hand and think: what else would I rather do with my “one wild and precious life”? I’ve often had to make some hard decisions to pursue a life of integrity and intention. I’m a first generation-college student, so when I quit my PhD program to pursue the crazy dream of making films, it was a big risk. I also left a position teaching as a university professor to try out film producing full-time for a while. Freelancing in that way was a terrifying but invigorating experience. Even now, after having some success producing fictional work, I’m starting to turn back to focusing on documentaries as a writer/director and on my work as a digital humanities librarian. This seems like a crazy move to some people that I’d switch gears just as I’m having some success and recognition. But, I like to think I’m just following what Tony Kushner calls the Great Work, that which “always has to do with healing the world, changing the world, and, as a necessary predicate to that, understanding the world. […] It’s always calling, sometimes in a big voice, sometimes in a quiet voice.” There’s an episode on Radio Lab called “Help” that also gets at the same idea of following a kind of muse. To me, the work I’m supposed to do somehow calls out to me and my job is to answer the call, no matter how terrifying that may be. I’ve been lucky that ever time I’ve taken a leap, a net has appeared. That’s not to overly romanticize things, though. Sometimes my “net” has been working six part-time jobs to make ends meet! But I’ve always managed to find a way. 

Why did you want to produce Something, Anything? 

• As a Southern woman, I’d experienced first-hand the pressures that Peggy, the film’s protagonist, goes through. There’s a kind of implicit checklist for young women in the South: get married, buy a house, pursue a career, make babies. There’s nothing wrong with doing any of these things, but there’s an immense pressure to do them and to do them quite young and without questioning. So, when I read the script for Something, Anything, I knew this was a film I wanted to see made. It’s also a film that questions our habits of consumption and that chronicles a woman’s spiritual (but not necessarily religious) awakening. These are not topics that usually get screentime in any meaningful, non-superficial way. So, for me, this debut feature from writer/director Paul Harrill is one of the most sensitive and insightful project’s I’ve had the honor of working on. 

Another topic that doesn't get screen time in a meaningful way is miscarriage. Can you talk a little about why you and your team decided to portray the protagonist's miscarriage the way you did? 

• Because the loss of a child is integral to the main character’s journey, it was important that we portray it in an on screen way that felt real, palpable, and yet not melodramatic or exploitative. Both the film’s writer/director Paul and I have had close friends and family experience miscarriage, so we wanted to touch on this topic with sensitivity. We consulted with one of my family members, in particular, who is also a paramedic, and who was willing to share her experience openly with us to help craft the scene in a realistic way. What’s perhaps most powerful about the scene is how many people, including friends and other people we’ve known for years, have come to us after screenings to share their own miscarriage stories or say, “That happened to me, too.”

What do you think keeps so many people from pursuing their authentic paths? 

• Fear of failure. Worry about disappointing others and not living up to expectations. Fear of not making enough money—especially for those of us who have come from modest means and know what it’s like to really not have enough money. These, at least, are the roadblocks I have faced on a regular basis. 

What advice do you have for those who are at the start of the process of identifying and pursuing their authentic paths? 

• I’ve gotten two really great pieces of advice in my life that have become like mantras I need to remind myself of over and over again: A classmate in film school told me during my first semester: “Don’t get caught up in what everyone else is doing.” When I’m feeling Facebook envy, or getting jealous of other artists’ success, or considering signing on for a new project, I try to step back and think about those words. Do I want to do this because it’s meaningful for me, or because I want others’ approval? Am I shaping my life according to my own beliefs or because of how I want others to perceive me? It’s very hard to put your blinders on with our cell phone and social networking addictions, but when I do, I experience such great relief. The other is a piece of advice my Roanoke yoga teacher gave me during a class several years ago before heading home for the holidays. She said just two words: “Less resistance.” She was actually talking about a yoga pose, but I felt like she was talking about my whole life. Often, we are the ones that most stand in our ways—our patterns, our holding on, our insistence on things not being as we think they should. It’s that little voice that tells you, “If only ____, then my life would be better” or “When ____ happens, I will be happy.” When we can accept where we are and truly believe that here and now is good enough, the resistance will naturally fall away. This, at least, is one of the teachings of yoga and is something I’m still trying to teach myself. 

Thank you for sharing your journey and wisdom with us, Ashley!

You can find Something, Anything on iTunes, Amazon, GooglePlay, and Vimeo-on-Demand. 

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Finding Our Authentic Paths

During the winter holiday, a blog reader reached out to me about a film she produced called Something, Anything. On the one hand, I thought, "How cool! I would love to write about someone who mustered up the courage it took to follow her authentic path in life." On the other hand, I thought, "What if I hate the movie? What am I supposed to say then?"

Fortunately, Matt and I watched a pre-screening that night and we LOVED it. Both of us. Seriously.

It's a film about finding and following your authentic path, despite how hard it will feel, what kind of judgement you might face, or how uncertain you will feel at times.

For me, my life's journey has been about how to find and follow an authentic path that helps bring about more social justice in the world.

This life that Matt and I have created has definitely felt hard at several different points (trying to save up to build a house while living on one income), we've faced judgement at several different times ("A $2,000 wedding? That's tacky!" or "A homebirth? That's crazy!"), and we've felt uncertain many, many times.

And that's why this film resonated with me so much. It speaks directly about the pressures that our generation faces. There's an expectation that we'll all follow the same path: creative, youtube-worth engagement (with professional photographs); handcrafted DIY wedding (with more professional photographs); blog-worthy home that is impeccably organized and decorated; garden in the back; babies (with more professional photographs); Pinterest-worthy birthday parties--the list goes on.

And in many ways, my own blog reiterates some of these same pressures. I talked in length about our DIY wedding, and I aspire for our home to be well-organized and aesthetically pleasing. I am an aspiring gardener, and I like to do things like sew my own clothes.

The difference is that these things bring me authentic joy. The joy doesn't come from getting affirmation or approval from others. In many ways, I feel so fortunate that what's cool in our generation are things that genuinely align with my interests and values (and of course my interests and values are shaped by the context I live in). On the other hand, if I lived in the 1950s where it was expected that I stay home full-time to take care of my children and my husband, I would be a wreck.

Watching the movie made me think a lot about my journey. so much has happened in such a short amount of time! I remember deciding to save up for a self-subsidized sabbatical so I could travel and see the world. I saved up money little by little each month and was then able to take a lot of time off. I traveled up the East Coast, worked and studied at a Folk Art School in North Carolina, traveled to India, and stayed at an intentional community (i.e., a commune) in Virginia where I learned how to make tofu and hammocks.

It was so hard to step off the "track" I was on, but I knew I needed to do it.

Watching this movie made me yearn for the days when I was just in charge of myself. It was much easier to find and follow authenticity. Now Matt and I have to work together to decide the direction of our life, and my two young children dictate how I spend a lot of my time!

But it was a good reminder to stay tapped into what I need in my life to feel alive and authentic. I highly recommend it!

You can find it on iTunes, Amazon, GooglePlay, and Vimeo-on-Demand. Stay tuned for an interview with the producer tomorrow!

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Motherhood

For some people, having a child is like coming home. It's like feeling as if everything is finally in place, comfortable, normal--the way it's supposed to be. 

For myself, having children has been like traveling to the far reaches of the world. Exciting! Alluring! Novel! 

And then the reality hit: I don't speak this language, everything is confusing, nothing works the way I'm used to it working, and I'm tired and homesick. And during the first four months after Tate's birth, I found myself frequently folded over a toilet bowl (but instead of having giardia, I had a malfunctioning gallbladder). 

I try not to come to this whiny place often. When I feel myself getting homesick for my former life--the life where no one depended on me and I had complete jurisdiction over my time and space--I focus on the immense gratitude that I feel for having had the privilege of giving birth to two healthy boys. I am overwhelmed by that opportunity. I consider it nothing short of a miracle nearly every single day. 

But it's a battle for sure. The day-to-day can be so! darn! hard! I want to be reading or writing or running or doing yoga or sewing or making a template or producing a podcast or pulling together a birthday present for a friend or talking to my mom or planning our next vacation or sleeping in or watching a movie. And instead I am helping a three year-old look for his shoes because he took them off to play in his tent and forgot to put them in his basket by the door. Or I'm trying to wipe poop off a ten month-old's butt who clearly doesn't want to be undergoing that experience either. Or I'm fighting the urge to curl up in an exhausted ball on the bed instead of finishing the dishes.  

And the whole time I'm trying to project patience and positivity and calm and caring. And inside I'm not feeling any of those things! I'm feeling impatient and frustrated and selfish. 

I don't regret having children at all. Not even a little bit. And I don't regret deciding to have two, even though I know our lives would be so much easier with one right now. But I just need to take this moment to acknowledge how hard it is. To give myself permission to feel all the horrible things I feel on the inside and to celebrate how amazingly committed I am to channeling it into positive interactions with my children on the outside. 

And I'm saying it aloud in case any of you feel something similar. Parenting is frequently such a hard, thankless job. I'm looking forward to the time when Tate will regularly sleep through the night and when my boys' schedules and play preferences sync up a bit more. Maybe 16 months will bring a huge shift just like it did with Henry? 

In the meantime, I'm just going to have to vent from time to time and then fall back on my mantra: "Let's be grateful." 

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Maternity Leave Guest Post: How to Offer Sincere Condolences

Photo by: Muffet

By Adinda E.E. Delporte

Death and sadness are as closely connected to life as birth and happiness, yet people generally tend to avoid talking or thinking about these subjects. With reason, I suppose, because filling your life and mind with sad thoughts doesn’t exactly evoke happiness. Yet from time to time, we have no choice but to acknowledge death and grief and think about how we deal with it; how we help others deal with it. In recent years, I have lost two uncles and one great-uncle and while I was definitely shaken by their deaths, these were in no way my dearest loved ones. Their deaths touched me, but what mainly affected me was the grief of their loved ones, rather than my own. I felt a great urge to comfort the living rather than grieve the dead, and offering support really did make an impact.

But how does one do that, offering support to someone in mourning? When my first uncle died, I was barely 20 and studying for my bachelor’s degree. I was unable to attend my uncle’s funeral because I had mandatory college practicums and absence was only permitted for the funeral of a (grand)parent, child or sibling. I did offer my aunt my -rather standard- condolences and made sure she was aware that I really cared about her loss and I regularly inquired about her well-being.

When my great-uncle died, I was 22, I had moved abroad and I was working a full time job. Even though his decease wasn’t unexpected, I was hit quite hard. My great-uncle was my grandfather’s brother and he married my grandmother’s sister, making family relations a bit tighter, and he and his family lived only two houses away from my grandparents’ family for most of their lives, which led to both families blending very closely together. Since both my grandfathers had died before I was born, my great-uncle sort of filled that role for me. I booked a train to go back to Belgium for his funeral a week later, but I didn’t want to wait until then to console my great-aunt. I decided against calling, because I knew she would be mainly with her children and her siblings, I’m not very good on the phone and her hearing is not 100% either.

I decided I would write her a heartfelt letter in a beautiful, serene card, and I posted it the same night, at half past ten, lucky to have international priority stamps in the house. I figured that words on paper would reach both her and her children, and she would be able to revisit the card whenever she felt like it. Also, she wouldn’t have to keep a strong face for me, show that she’s coping, she could really let her feelings be. I’m making this sound like a very conscious process, but it was more of an impulse really, and I am ever so happy that I acted on that impulse. It’s been two years since my great-uncle died, and every single time I have spoken to my great-aunt since, she tells me again how much those words have meant to her, that even now, she still regularly reads back what I wrote and that she and her children have drawn so much support from it. I did put a lot of thoughts in those words, but writing that letter took no more than two hours. Seeing how much of a response that has caused, how important this has been to my grieving relatives, has really moved me to keep this up, and to spread awareness.

A year ago, I received the notice that an uncle on my father’s side of the family died. My brothers and I are estranged from that side of the family since my parents divorced, and even before that, contact had been rather scarce, but still, I felt that a connection was severed and that now, I would never have the chance anymore to reacquaint myself with my uncle, who was still in his early sixties. I did have fond memories of the man, and I felt very much for my aunt and cousins, despite not having contact for at least six years. Again, I took up pen and paper, because I wanted to offer my estranged aunt some of the comfort I had given my great-aunt. Again, I formed a connection, and again I got a strong response.

What I believe is important when offering condolences, is first and foremost, to actually offer them! Even if you’re not very close to somebody, every single offer of sympathy will be appreciated. If you have given your sympathy face to face, try to also follow up on paper. In the first days and weeks, there is a lot of attention for the people dealing with the loss, but it dies down quickly as others pick up their lives again. A card doesn’t stop coming for coffee, the people in mourning can easily return to all those kind words if they’re in need of support.

You want to make it meaningful though, so forget about all the standard formulations. They’re better than silence, but after how many iterations of “We were shocked to hear about Mr. X’s departure from this world and would like to offer our sincerest condolences to you and your family. You have our full sympathy in these hard times. Please know that we are thinking of you. May you find solace in each other.” do those words start to sound hollow? If you are unsure of how to convey your sympathy differently, don’t hesitate to use these formulations, because really, every single offer of support does make an impact. But if you want to go beyond, maybe how I go about this could help you too.

As in “the standard”, I will usually start with the fact that I was shocked/stunned/saddened by the news of their loved one dying. Then, I will describe my relationship to the deceased, accurately and honestly. I did not have strong ties to my estranged uncle, but I did feel a connection and I tried to really capture that. Describe the person they were to you, how they touched your life, in what way, however minor, they have been significant to you. Anything you might have learned from them. Try to capture the fragments of their personality that you discovered, describe as what kind of a person you saw them.

For my great-uncle, this was that every New Year’s celebration, he would buy a scratch card for every single person in our extended family of nearly 60 persons. He didn’t have a great fortune, but with what little he had, he would try to give every single one of us a great fortune. Every year, he had high hopes that one of us might win the jackpot and he wanted to give every single person that chance. He was a man that believed in sharing what you have, in family and in good fortune. That was who he was to me: my great-uncle who wanted the best for everyone and who would make an effort in his own style to help us along the way, against the odds, and a man who gave me the notion that the biggest fortune is not the money you can win, it’s the people that care about you, that believe in you and who wish only the best for you, and knowing that they feel that way. It’s a very valuable thing he gifted me. 

For my estranged uncle, I wrote about how to me, he was a man in the background who was around most of the times we visited my grandmother. A man whom I knew as a handyman who would fix leaking gutters and paint the shutters and mend the bikes, and mainly the man who nurtured and maintained my grandma's garden and vegetable patch. A simple man, who enjoyed simple things. I always saw him happiest when he’d wash garden soil off his hands and join us for an uncomplicated lunch. Boiled potatoes he had grown himself, fresh carrots he just harvested that morning, a piece of meat and a cool beer. That, to him, was a feast in itself, to eat what he had grown, to see us enjoying his harvest. He wasn’t one to get sentimental about it, our even talk very much about anything, but you could tell: that was what made him happy, that was what mattered to him. He taught me to appreciate simple things and inspired me to grow my own garden.

I write about how they have inspired me (and there is inspiration to be found in everybody!) and how I will honor their legacy. I bought a scratch card after my great uncle died, because well, I think he still would want people to take their chance and win their great fortune. I told my aunt how my first peas were nearly ripe for harvest, and that I would dedicate my first harvest to her husband, and I did. I cooked my first peas in his honor.

Then, I write something along the lines of “if they were just that to me, and I am already touched by their death in the way I am, I can but imagine how their death affects you, as they were so much more to you” and I will write about how I perceived the relationship between the person in mourning and their loved one. How I think that now, sadness will be the main feeling for them, but how I hope that they can find comfort with their loved ones, that they can find strength when they need it, and that over time, they will be able to think of their dearly departed with fondness and happy memories of the time they shared, rather than with sadness and regret for the time that was taken from them. If you are both religious people, or if you are religious and know the other party is comfortable with that, I suppose this would also be a good spot to tell them that they and their loved ones are in your prayers, or to include inspirational scripture. (Personal insight of an atheist: if I know somebody is religious, I would be honored that they're keeping us in their prayers, but scripture has the ability to put me off. If you don't know how somebody feels about religion, avoid making someone feel uncomfortable and leave it out of the equation all together. Death is delicate enough as it is.)

It’s quite simple really, but it makes a huge impact. All it takes is sincerity. People will know you most likely won’t miss any sleep because the driver of your daughter’s school bus died of a heart attack during his afternoon nap on a Sunday. They will know if the person never greatly altered your life, so don't fall into the temptation to assign this person more importance than they had. If you make your message personal and sincere, people can tell, and it will help them. So yes, if all you know about the bus driver is that she always wore pink lip stick, waved your kid goodbye from behind the steering wheel and that the bus is still over half full when your kid gets dropped off, just write about that. Either they will recognize what you have written and find solace in the fact that somebody, besides them, knew a bit about their loved one, or they will discover something they have never known, expanding their image of their loved one, adding your own happy memories to the pile.

In times of grief and sorrow, we need to be there for each other. I hope this can help you help others, and would love to hear how you comfort others in these situations, or what has helped you deal with a loss.
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Adinda Delporte lives, laughs and loves in Belgium. As an internetworking specialist, she's a rare woman in a field dominated by men and she loves to challenge others to fight stereotyping. Girls in IT and guys in nursing? Splendid! When she finds the time, she blogs about life at Verder in Vlaanderen. Strictly for those who've mastered the basics of the Dutch language though!

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On Turning 35

I turned 35 this past Saturday, and two thoughts passed through my mind:

• "Hey, I'm old enough to run for the presidency!" (even though I would never want that position because I think my quality of life would be terrible)
• "Hm, I'm half-way to 70." 

The fact that the second thought came and went without causing any sort of consternation struck me as a good sign. I'm content with where I've been in my life, where I am, and where I'm going. I'm trying to make the most of this "one wild and precious life." 

Every year, I try to plan the exact kind of birthday that will satiate my needs at the time. For a couple years in a row, I planned a Random Acts of Kindness Scavenger Hunt. For my 30th birthday, we went all out and rented a cabin in the mountains for a huge group of our friends (a couple of whom even flew in from different parts of the country!). 

This year, I simply wanted to go to a hotel by myself for an evening. I know it might sound depressing to some or worrisome to others, but it was exactly what I wanted as we come up on this new phase in our life. I feel like the tidal wave that Henry brought into our lives is subsiding (he turns two at the end of this month) and yet we are walking straight into the next one. I know I'm going to be overwhelmed with gratitude and love for our expanding family (I already am), but I am also anticipating that I will struggle with the year of breastfeeding, the baby's struggle with sleep, and the responsibility of needing to take care of another human being every second, minute, and hour of the day.

For this birthday, I simply wanted some sustained, uninterrupted time in a comfortable place. Since we are on a tight budget, I decided to pay for the hotel out of my personal allowance, which is why I opted for Air BNB. I was able to find a bedroom in a quaint little bungalow in East Austin for a total of $56. 

It was exactly what I needed: wood floors, natural light, solitude, quiet, focus, introspection, sleeping and waking on my own schedule, stretching out in bed. 

It wasn't so easy for Matt to support this idea. I broached the subject with him about a month in advance. At first he jokingly asked if this request was "a precursor to divorce." I tried to explain why I needed this time away, and he really seemed to understand. But when I actually booked the room earlier in the week, he started to feel sad and uneasy. 

I tried to explain again that being a mother who aims to breastfeed her baby for at least a year but chooses not to pump means that I will literally be tethered to our baby for at least 365 days straight. With Henry, I didn't have my first night away until he was a year and four months (Matt's parents watched him for us in Indiana and we escaped to Michigan for a weekend). I think it's difficult for Matt to empathize because a) he thinks he would choose to pump if he were a breastfeeding mom, which means he could have time to himself sooner and b) he gets more frequent time away when he travels for work (it's not often, but it's definitely more than I'm away).

The conversation led to a heated disagreement about equity in our relationship. Matt didn't think it was fair that he didn't get what he wanted on his birthday (which was to run 30 miles). I reminded him that he was the one who opted not to run 30 miles because our friends were in town from Florida, and I explained that he should have advocated for himself if he really wanted to do it at a later time (I even offered to let him do it in March, once I've submitted the charter application). 

The disagreement also unearthed other bitterness that Matt feels about having to take on more than his fair share. It's definitely true that he has taken on more lately. I struggled through my first trimester--miscarriage--first trimester period, and now that it's over, I'm consumed by getting the 200-page charter application done and raising $400,000 by February 28th. I was upset that Matt seems to willingly take on extra work but then lets his resentment build. I also try not to let him take on extra work unless I really have to.

We're committed to continuing to talk about these issues until we come to a place that we both feel good about. I have some specific next steps in mind about how to make better use of my free time, so that I can maximize it and not ask Matt for more. I also think things will naturally feel better in March, April, May, and June as the external stress from the charter deadline lifts and we can enjoy our little family of three even more before our sweet addition arrives.

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