The Benefits of Therapy

I've been working with an incredible leadership coach for about a year and a half. She has helped me immensely with how to stop myself from filling up my life with work. Before I started working with her, I was routinely working up until 10pm or 10:30pm at night. I was exhausted and utterly impatient with my husband and children. She helped me learn how to put self-care habits in place but also how to better prioritize what I take on in my work and life, so I have more time and space to focus on those things. 

From my work with her, I knew that I also wanted to start therapy. I had several different fits and starts, including working with an Internal Family Systems therapist, which was such an interesting concept and did help me in a profound way. 

It wasn't clear to me, however, exactly what I was trying to do in therapy. A friend of mine recommended that I try Therapeutic Assessment. Therapeutic Assessment is a time-bound type of therapy where you go in with a set of questions you are seeking to get answers to. The therapist then selects a battery of tests that align with the questions you are asking. The hope is that going over the results of the assessment together helps you deepen your understanding of yourself and the questions you seek to answer. 

Through my Therapeutic Assessment process, I learned that my experiences as a child were truly traumatic, and that I developed a couple of defense mechanisms to help me cope with the trauma. However, my defense mechanisms can serve to re-traumatize me, which has been happening for the past five years during the crazy start-up phase of both my family and my non-profit organization. 

The ultimate recommendation is that I need about a year of therapy to fully process my childhood trauma and the trauma from the past five years. 

I get the irony of going to therapy to hear that you need therapy, but it was actually a really eye-opening and clarifying process. I see how the coping mechanisms I developed as a child bring both negative and positive things into my life. I see how going deep and fully processing the trauma will help those coping mechanisms function more positively than negatively. I'm excited for the year ahead! 

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March Madness

What a whirlwind! There is such a pattern in my life: Whenever I get myself too busy, I end up feeling unhappy and less resilient. 

I knew March was going to be rough! 

But that’s okay. I want to look forward, not backward. And I want to celebrate the positive! Our Spring Break was truly packed with some awesome quality time together and some incredible memories. Here’s a video that highlights only the positive (just know there are always lots of negatives when it comes to parenting two young children!):

I’m eager to get back into our daily routines. And I want to take care of my core, so that I can take care of everything in the periphery. On a recent airplane ride (I literally had to fly to and from a city in one day for a recent work trip), I sketched out concentric circles. The inner circle (#1) is my self. The circles radiate out from the center, as follows:

2) Mother and wife

3) Daughter, family member, friend

4) Colleague and leader

5) National collaborator

I spent a little time brainstorming how I want to continue to take care of my core, so that I have more energy and capacity to do #2 and then #3 and then #4 and then #5. 

I’m being cautious not to add new things because there are already so many things I want to maintain. I want to continue to try to stop working by 8pm every night, eat healthy food, run at least twice a week, and get enough sleep. 

The main new thing I want to do in this area is start Weight Watchers. I’m carrying around an extra ten pounds that makes my clothes not fit and makes running more difficult/uncomfortable. I think it's time to increase the level of accountability and awareness by starting an external program. I did Weight Watchers once more than a decade ago, and I appreciated how it approaches food holistically (versus just counting calories) and helps re-calibrate your mind about how much food one should intake on a daily basis. I'll let you know how it goes! 

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Inner Child Therapy

Did I already talk about my conversation with an inner child therapist? I don't think I did, but I apologize if this is redundant! 

The basic idea is that we all have these hurt inner children in us, and an important part of healing and growing is to acknowledge the hurt children, to try and understand the hurt, and to soothe it. 

My childhood could have been way worse, but there were things that caused me hurt: I never met my father; he didn't want anything to do with me after my mother got pregnant. We moved from city to city and I never got to spend very much time at the same school. There's a lot of judgment in my family--the feeling that you can't do anything right. 

The conversation with the therapist was really helpful. It illuminated how important it is to explicitly

connect with our inner children. I find it very calming and productive. 

The therapist also recommended that I read this book. My aunt and I decided to do a book club together. We are keeping it as low-stress as possible (see yesterday's post!) by only reading one short chapter a week. 

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Rituals to Honor a Loved One

My friend was talking to me about the upcoming anniversary of her mother's death and mentioning that it was always such a hard time of the year for her. She explained that she feels like she might want to enact some kind of ritual but doesn't really have the capacity to think about it. I volunteered to generate a list to share with her, and here's what I came up with. I would love any ideas you have to add!

• Write a letter to your mom about the past year (alternatively, you could record yourself talking--or just talk to a picture without recording--if it would feel more natural and efficient to talk)

• Host a call with multiple people who loved your mom; each person could go around and share one memory (alternatively, this could be done over e-mail if it's too painful to talk)

• Take a relaxing, calm, and quiet bath and light a candle for each of the things you miss about your mom; state each one out loud as you light the candle. Then close your eyes and think about your mother.

• Have a What Would Mom Do Day. Spend time doing the things your mom liked to do  and try to see them and enjoy them through your mother's eyes

• Plant something new each year in honor of your mother and watch each plant or tree give life to the world each year on behalf of your mother. This could be an outdoor plant or an indoor one. 

• Prepare or pick up a special meal or a food item that had special meaning to you and your mom. Prepare it and eat It by yourself, while thinking about your mother.

• Coordinate an act of service in honor of your mother's gift to the world: prepare sack lunches and deliver them to homeless people, volunteer in a soup kitchen, purchase quality books from second-hand shops and deliver them to a school.

• Purchase something new for your home that will remind you of your mother all year: a bird feeder, a beautiful frame, a vase, pretty refrigerator magnets, new cloth napkins, coasters, etc. This could be combined with Option 1 or 2 so that you get yourself thinking deeply about your mother and then decide what to add to your home to honor her.  

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Nightly Relaxation Ritual

I've been feeling a lot of anxiety at night (work-related stuff), and it's impacting my sleep. Simultaneously, we're working through a round of Purposeful Conception: Preparing Your Mind, Body, and Life for Pregnancy, and it's reminding me of what a conscious effort I made to relax and de-stress my life when I was pregnant with Henry. Every night I would shut down by a certain time, do yoga, and then relax. Here's what I said about it:

During my pre-conception phase, I developed a nightly Relaxation Ritual for myself. At 8:15 every night, I would spend 15 minutes picking up the clutter that had accumulated around our house during the day. Then I would do 15 minutes of yoga. Finally, I would read or chat with my husband before going to bed at 9:30 (so I could get eight hours of sleep before my 5:30am alarm).

I'm wondering if  I want to try something similar. I've been working so hard to shut my computer by 8pm. Then I could set it aside (versus opening it and starting on another computer-centered project), head into my bedroom, put on some soothing music and do yoga. It could be a nice transition into whatever I want to do with the rest of my time: ukulele, Netflix, games with Matt, reading, etc. 

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Therapy

I'm excited to report that I'm starting therapy in February! It's something I've been wanting to do as part of my journey to be the best possible mother I can be. 

I've been doing leadership coaching for the past year, and I have loved it. It's like having a "running partner" to hold me accountable. I'm looking forward to therapy as well. 

Because my schedule feels absolutely crammed, I opted for sessions via Skype. I did end up with a local therapist (I searched for "inner child" therapy), but we are going to talk via Skype every other Saturday morning. 

A friend of mind also recently recommended Therapeutic Assessment. If I weren't already so far along the inner child pathway, I would have tried TA! (Now that I write that, I might actually switch to TA--more evidence that I need therapy?)

I'll let you know how it goes! 

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Saying Farewell to 2017 (See You in 2018!)

We are so close to the end of the year, my friends! 

I do feel like I've made the most of this year. I am so grateful for all that I have, and I want to savor every last bit of it. 

I'm still brainstorming what I hope to manifest in 2018. I started writing a lot of different things on one single page: savor, being rather than doing, family goals, slow to say yes and fast to say no, sustain, friends/connection, ukulele, tennis, Saturday Suppers, starting an Austin chapter of Navigators, 40th birthday party, podcast, a weekend away with Matt, getting our will done, therapy, beautiful office. 

Then I started circling the things that stood out to me.

Then I remembered something I've been working on this year professionally--before I commit to taking on new things, I make a list of all the things I want to sustain because the energy/capacity we have to take on new things is connected to what we are trying to sustain. 

I want to sustain:

• Leadership coaching
• Vacations: Spring, Summer, Fall
• Two runs per week outside
• Stopping work at 8pm so I have free time
• Tracking expenses in Mint.com
• Family Goals
• Saturday Suppers
• Adequate sleep
• Meditation/gratitude
• Date night

That's so much already! Do I really want to take on anything new? 

So I went through my favorite exercise: asking myself what I need on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis to feel fulfilled. 

Daily:

• A home cooked meal with my family around our table
• Adequate sleep
• Meaningful work that makes the world a more just, equitable, and peaceful place
• Time to connect with Matt
• A breakfast smoothie
• A healthy lunch
• Self-directed time
• An organized living space

Weekly:

• Exercise
• Time to talk to my mom
• Time to text/talk with family/friends
• Blogging
• Self-time in the house alone
• Time to prepare for the week

Monthly:

• Pedicure
• Cheap massage
• Saturday Supper
• Navigators meeting
• A cool adventure
• Crafting
• Date night with Matt
• Time to reflect on progress toward my yearly goals
• Therapy

Yearly:

• Vacations
• Birthday celebrations
• A trip by myself
• A trip with just Matt alone
• Family rituals

So what's starting to emerge for me is this idea of Sustain & Strengthen or Sustain & Deepen. I'm already doing so many things I want to do and living the life I want to live. I just need to sustain what I'm doing. 

I'm going to think about this more over the rest of the holiday season and into the new year. 

I'm wishing you and yours a wonderful holiday season and a rejuvenating new year! See you on the other side!

For updates in between blog posts, check out Instagram! 

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JOIN US!: Registration is currently open for the next Purposeful Conception Course: Preparing Your Mind, Body, and Life for Pregnancy, which starts on January 8! Register now! We'd love to have you join us!

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Living Our Best Life

This year my intention was to get to the end of the year and be able to say:

I feel:

• Balanced
• Connected
• Full of vitality
• and at peace.

I want to keep my bucket full so I can interact with others from a place of PATIENCE + LOVE + JOY. 

In retrospect, that was quite ambitious! 

I feel like I have made progress on the "balanced" component. I've worked really hard to bring more balance between my professional and my personal life. I've gotten to a place where I can stop working at 8pm nearly every night. 

I also feel like I have made progress on the Vitality front. I have been regularly running two times per week (for the whole year!). I have also been eating in a more healthy way and taking supplements that match up to my needs. 

I feel like I haven't done as much toward the connection and the joyful piece, but I'm not going to be too hard on myself, considering the fact that the goal was already ambitious. 

Now that the new year will be upon us soon, I'm back to thinking about what my focus will be for the new year. 

A lot of different things come to mind. One is "Savor." 

Another is that I want to focus on my emotional development. I feel like for several years I have been so focused on "doing" that I have lost sight of "being" the very best person that I can be. 

Another thing that comes to mind is "Sustain" as I work to consolidate everything I've put in place: home, marriage, family, career. 

Another thing blaring in my mind is: Fast to say "no"; slow to say "yes." 

I'm glad I still have another two months to officially kick off 2018. It will be good to have time to think about this stuff.

For updates in between blog posts, check out Instagram! 

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JOIN US!: Registration is currently open for the next Purposeful Conception Course: Preparing Your Mind, Body, and Life for Pregnancy, which starts on January 8! Register now! We'd love to have you join us!

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On Self-Compassion

A post shared by Matthew Bradford (@mattyrunrun) on Mar 17, 2017 at 8:07pm PDT

One of the things I'm working on with my leadership coach is the concept of self-compassion. She recommended this awesome website that has some explanations, meditations, and exercises. 

One of the exercises I wanted to do was write a letter to myself that I could read on a daily basis. When I wrote the letter, I realized there was a lot of focus on my accomplishments. That's not the point! I'm supposed to be celebrating who I am, not what I've done. 

At the bottom of the letter, I wrote some affirmations that I can read to myself each day:

I have a unique set of skills and strengths.

I am valuable to my family and to the world beyond.

I have made and continue to make a positive impact on countless lives.

Montessori For All has an important role to play in the world.

I have the courage, strength, and resilience I need to face difficulty.

I am committed to constant growth.

I have everything I need.

I’m everything I need to be.

I am loved and have immense love to give.

I'm going to write them on a framed photograph in my bathroom so that I am forced to come across them frequently! My hope is to read them to myself every day.

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JOIN US!: Registration is currently open for the next Purposeful Conception Course: Preparing Your Mind, Body, and Life for Pregnancy, which starts on April 3! Register now! We'd love to have you join us!

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My Life Work: Genetic Testing, Therapy, Etc.

At the end of the year, I want to be able to say that I feel balanced, connected, full of vitality, and at peace. I want to make sure my own bucket is full so I can interact with others from a place of patience, love, and joy. 

To work toward that end, I've started working with a leadership coach every other week. I'm also about to start working with a therapist on the alternate weeks. I'm going to do it via Skype so I don't feel like I have one more commitment outside of the home. 

Through my work so far, I'm learning how I have to be more intentional and vigilant about prioritization in my life. I'm also learning about how to use my strengths to grow in the areas I want to grow, instead of constantly focusing on the things that need to change. 

I'm also seeing the need to develop a self-compassion practice. 

I'm also getting genetic testing through 23andme. I'm going to submit the raw data via this website to get a fuller report. If I have an MTHFR mutation that means I would benefit from prescription folic acid, then I'm going to start taking that. There's a history of anxiety and depression in my family. While I don't feel like I have the symptoms of depression, I do wonder if my constant "striving" is connected to anxiety. 

And--as if this list weren't already long enough--I'm going to get the results of my food insensitivity testing this week. I really do believe that the body is a complex system and things like nutrition have a huge impact on our brain. 

As I write all of this, I'm aware of how crazy I sound. Honestly, I'm feeling balanced, full of vitality, and at peace right now! And it's because I'm doing this work. I feel good when I feel like I'm growing and evolving as a person. I know, though, that my striving needs to be tempered with self-compassion and appreciation. I'm excited to be on this journey called Life!

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On Turning 39

Last week marked my passage across the threshold of being 39. I had a wonderful day that was celebrated by my children (Henry made me a "wind-powered boat" out of a shoebox, a pinwheel, and  duct tape, as well as four cards, so Tate started finding toys all around the house and giving them to me as gifts as you can see above), my colleagues, the children I tutor, my birthday buddy (we do a little exchange at school every year), and my partner Matt (he had warm cookies and cold milk delivered to me at work and wrote a poem for me).

The tenor of my birthdays is very different now that my life is so full. I used to pour my energy for creation and planning into my birthday parties, whether they involved random acts of kindness scavenger hunts or retro proms or trips to a YMCA camp for the weekend with a big group of friends. My desire to create and plan is reduced because I've just got so much going on in my life, and what's left of it goes into Henry's birthday, which is in the same month as mine. 

I'm working on bringing more balance into my life by trying to stop working by 8:00pm every night. We'll see if I have renewed energy and creativity to plan my birthday next year! Plus, it's #40, so maybe I'll want to do something bigger.

Regardless, birthdays are always a good time to step back and reflect and make sure we are living our  lives to the fullest. I'm watching a pretty dumb show right now ("No Tomorrow" on Netflix) about a man who believes a meteor is barreling toward the Earth. He's using his eight months to really live his life to the fullest (he has an "apocalist" of all the things he wants to do before he dies). 

It's funny to me that I am such a list person and yet the idea of a "bucket list" has never really taken off in my life. I'm not sure why that is. I wonder if it's because my list has been more around these lines:

• Marry an amazing life partner
• Give birth to children
• Build a family life that is full of connection, quality time, adventure, joy, and love
• Live in a beautiful space that makes my soul soar on a daily basis
• Find a job that I love that helps bring about a world where there is "liberty and justice for all"

That's been my bucket list, or my Life List. And I've managed to bring these things into my life. (I'm frantically trying to knock on wood all over the house because I know that the things that matter to me most--my partner and my children--are tenuous. Their existence is not a given. Anything could happen at any moment and turn my life upside-down.)

If I died now (again--knocking on wood all over the place!), I would die in a contended place, knowing that I was able to do all the things I really wanted to do.

So maybe it is time to make more of an adventure-based list? I'll have to ruminate on that one for a while. 

For now, I'm going to focus on the gratitude I have for the life that is right in front of me. 

SaveSave

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The Illness that Will Mark Our Era

“‘People are now constantly connected to computers and machines, and this is changing the way we think,’ he said. ‘People just cannot make sense of what is happening. There is no respite. The world is going to go faster and faster in this regard.’ ‘In the nineteenth century the biggest threat to humanity was pneumonia,’ he continued. ‘In the twentieth century it was cancer. The illness that will mark our era, and particularly the start of the twenty-first century, is insanity. Or, we can say, spiritual disease.’ He paused. ‘This next century is going to be especially turbulent. It has already begun. And when I say ‘insanity’ and ‘spiritual disease,’ I don’t only mean inside the minds of individuals. Politics, military, economics, education, culture, and medicine—all these will be affected.’” --From The Seventh Sense

This idea resonates with me even more these days. I feel bombarded with news and ideas, and it makes me shut down. It scares me because we are entering a time when we need to be more vigilant, not less vigilant, and yet I feel overloaded. I need to spend more time thinking about this.

Image courtesy my life partner

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Monthly Self-Care

I want to get in the habit of these self-care rituals monthly:

1. Car wash
2. Massage 
3. Pedicure

Obviously, these expenses can add up quickly. To keep costs down, I go with the most basic and inexpensive car wash, I get massages as a massage school (the cost is $40 flat), and I try to get inexpensive pedicures. 

All of these things are indulgences, but they bring a lot of happiness into my life. At least I save money by rarely going to places like Starbucks, not buying alcohol, and not having cable! 

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Energy Audit

I've been feeling such a lack of energy lately! I hate this feeling, and I need to do some introspection to figure out what's causing it and what I can do to regain some energy.

1. Matt and I are inconsistent about turing the lights out at 10pm. We really need to do this! Getting adequate sleep is integral to having higher levels of energy. 
2. I need to regularly take my multivitamins. As a vegetarian, I think I need the extra little boost of iron.
3. I need to pick up the clutter around our house. I'm someone who is very impacted by my surroundings, and disorder leaves me feeling unsettled. 
4. I need to stop working by 9pm every night. I need that time to decompress before my 10 o'clock bedtime. Lately I haven't had any time to respond to e-mail during the day, so it's taking me several hours at night. Also, I love falling asleep with Henry, which is pushing back the start of my work time by about 30 minutes. And this little nap is terrible for me because it means I'm not tired by bedtime. I'll save this habit for the weekend! 
5. I need to resume my exercise habit. I did such a good job for the first third of the year, and not I'm out of the habit. It's so interesting that exerting energy leaves me with more energy! 

That's a good list to start with! 

Photo credit: Hank + Tank Photography

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Signs of Spring

 

For some reason, I am just now tuning in to the subtle changes of the seasons, and it feels really good. I'm guessing my inability to truly connect with the changing of the seasons stems from the fact that I spent the first 12 developmental years of my life in a city with no seasons: San Diego. 

And then almost another 12 in a state with no seasons: Florida. 

And Houston didn't really have seasons either. 

But in Austin, I can truly see the changes of the season, and it's so fun to tune into the changes--to really notice, appreciate, and take joy in them. 

In the winter, most of the trees around our house lose their leaves. It means I can easily see the cardinals and the blue jays. Their blues and reds pop against the gray forest. 

The shift to Spring is so subtle. It doesn't happen in the sky or really in the temperature. It happens ever so slightly in the trees. From afar, they will look gray. But up close, you will see the slightest hint of green. The tiniest fig leaf appears, bursting with energy and promise. 

The entire East Austin landscape shifts from gray to a brilliant green in a matter of a week. Each shift in the season nudges me to reminisce about what was happening at this time last year and about what the season ahead holds for our family. 

I think about our boys coming home from school every single day, stripping off their clothes, and heading straight into the backyard to swim. I think about our chaise lounge chairs under our umbrella. One of my favorite things in the world is a shady spot on an otherwise brilliantly sunny and clear day. I think about the watermelon plants that will overtake our front yard, the little hidden watermelons that will appear under thick leaf coverage that our children will spot and rejoice in discovering.

These small things bring such great joy to my life. 

When I used to read Soule Mama, I would be envious of her family's deep connection to the seasons. Now, I think I have created just the right amount for me and my family. I actually don't want to run an entire farm or live somewhere cold. But if I tune in and pay attention, I can create my own connection to nature and to the seasons right where I am.

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Healing My Inner Child

It sounds a little wacky to talk about a hurt "inner child," but I think the concept is so important to talk about and address. 

I think so many of the ways in which humans are awful to each other stem from how some awfulness was done onto them as children.

My own childhood issues are not relatively awful, but they have left me with emotional issues that I need to work on. 

My mother got accidentally pregnant when she was 22 years-old, and my biological father never wanted to have anything to do with me. I feel the tears start to well up as I write that sentence. I can see how so many of my emotional issues are tied to that initial abandonment. 

I can see how I became a perfectionist and a striver in order to prove my worth out in the world--to overcome the lack of worth that I must carry around inside of me since half of the people who are supposed to care most about me in the world didn't care about me at all. 

I can see how I gravitate toward controlling situations and people because of the complete lack of control my inner child must feel. 

I can see why I was most attracted to emotionally unavailable men in my twenties because I was hoping that I could convince just one of them to love me the way my father never did. 

One component of my ongoing work in life is to continue to support and heal my inner child. I started reading this book on the topic, and I loved this piece of the introduction:

In each of us, there is a young, suffering child. We have all had times of difficulty as children and many of us have experienced trauma. To protect and defend ourselves against future suffering, we often try to forget those painful times. Every time we're in touch with the experience of suffering, we believe we can't bear it, and we stuff our feelings and memories deep down in our unconscious mind. It may be that we haven't dared to face this child for many decades. 

But just because we may have ignored the child doesn't mean she or he isn't there. The wounded child is always there, trying to get our attention. The child says, "I'm here. I'm here. You can't avoid me. You can't run away from me." We want to end our suffering by sending the child to a deep place inside, and staying as far away as possible. But running away doesn't end our suffering; it only prolongs it.

The wounded child asks for care and love, but we do the opposite. We run away because we're afraid of suffering. The block of pain and sorrow in us feels overwhelming. Even if we have time, we don't come home to ourselves. We try to keep ourselves constantly entertained--watching television or movies, socializing, or using alcohol or drugs--because we don't want to experience that suffering all over again. 

The wounded child is there and we don't even know she is there. The wounded child in us is a reality, but we can't see her. That inability to see it is a kind of ignorance. This child has been severely wounded. She or he really needs us to return. Instead we turn away...

The wounded child is also in each cell of our body. There is no cell of our body that does not have that wounded child in it. We don't have to look far into the past for that child. We only have to look deeply and we can be in touch with him. The suffering of that wounded child is lying inside us right now in the present moment. 

But just as the suffering is present in every cell of our body, so are the seeds of awakened understanding and happiness handed down to us from our ancestors. We just have to use them. We have a lamp inside us, the lamp of mindfulness, which we can light anytime. The oil of that lamp is our breathing, our steps, and our peaceful smile. We have to light up that lamp of mindfulness to the light will sine out and the darkness will dissipate and cease. Our practice is to light up the lamp. 

When we become aware that we've forgotten the wounded child in ourselves, we feel great compassion for that child and we begin to generate the energy of mindfulness. The practices of mindful walking, mindful sitting, and mindful breathing are our foundation. With our mindful breath and mindful steps, we can produce the energy of mindfulness and return to the awakened wisdom lying in each cell of our body. That energy will embrace us and heal us, and will heal the wounded child in us. 

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