I've been meaning to write a post about maintaining an equal partnership with your significant other for a long time. First, I wanted to write about it because the topic comes up all the time when I'm hanging out with my friends from prenatal yoga, since all of us have new babies. Secondly, I wanted to write about this topic because some of you have been asking about it in the comments section.
Equality has been at the forefront of my mind for a long time. As an American studies major in college (with a minor in gender studies), it was a constant topic. It also infuses my daily work as an educator who thinks about the achievement gap in the United States.
As soon as Matt and I moved in together, we started putting systems in place to
distribute household responsibilities equitably. We tend to cook dinner and clean up afterwards together, but we divide our chores up into even chunks. We also gave a lot of thought to
combining our finances in a way that felt fair and collaborative. Regardless of who is bringing in more income, we each get the same amount of personal money to spend every month.
In our house, we have frequent conversations about equality. It's not a "tit for tat" kind of dynamic, but we often share our feelings when things feel imbalanced. Sometimes these conversations result in one person taking on something else in order to balance things out, but more often than not, they result in renewed appreciation for what the other person is already doing. Occasionally, they result in a redistribution of responsibilities in order to keep things fair.
We also place a huge value on appreciation (I learned--and am still learning--this habit from Matt). We thank each other constantly for everything that the other person does for the common good.
Of course having a baby added a whole host of new responsibilities into our household. Our conversations about equality are even more frequent. Since Henry's needs are always changing, our distribution of responsibilities is always changing, too.
Here's how we approach it:
Matt works outside of the home full-time. I stay home and take care of Henry full-time (although when he naps, I do my other work, which is running two blogs, facilitating an online course about purposeful conception, writing a book about how to plan a meaningful and memorable wedding without losing your savings or sanity, occasionally doing educational consulting, and starting a national network of public Montessori charter schools with the flagship school opening in Austin in 2014).
Taking care of Henry (and fitting in everything else I'm trying to get done) is a lot of work. I do not have time for laundry, house cleaning, or cooking within those hours (although I will do laundry or empty the dishwasher if I'm taking a break).
So even though I'm a "stay at home mom," Matt and I still split all of our domestic responsibilities evenly. We tackle them like we always tackled them--in the evenings and on weekends.
One of my friends has a husband who is a lawyer. When he gets home from work, she continues to do most of the baby care because he argues that his job is stressful and he needs a break. That argument would never fly in our house. Taking care of Henry is honestly one of the most stressful jobs I have ever had.
In fact, some days I've had such a stressful day that Matt volunteers to take on my share of Henry duty in the evening. I do the same thing for him, although I seem to have to take advantage of his generosity more than he has to take advantage of mine.
Another thing that I've seen happening among my friends is that the woman spends more time with the baby, so she becomes better at soothing the baby. When the husband comes home, he plays with the baby until the baby gets fussy. Then he hands the baby back to mom so she can take care of it.
Matt and I each try to develop strategies that soothe Henry. I find myself nagging Matt a lot more about how I would do it if I were him, but I'm trying to rein that tendency in.
On weekends, we try to honor each other's needs to connect with the world beyond our little family. We take turns going off by ourselves or with friends, and then we spend time together as a family.
It's definitely a work in process for us. Like I mentioned earlier, we have constant conversations about equally distributing responsibilities. Sometimes these conversations start out like fights, but we try to
de-escalate it back down to a conversation. The important thing is that we are both committed to equality, and we're open to each other's perspectives.
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