How Much Does It Cost to Have a Baby?

Hello, my name is Sara and I am an obsessive planner.

I'm still at the stage in life where I consider it to be a hobby more than a neurosis (although I am open to the idea that the fact I consider it a hobby might be part of why it's a neurosis...). I love planning. I really do.

But let me introduce you to my newest "self-identified kindred spirit," Onnie.

Onnie does not have any children. In fact, Onnie won't even be married for another year and a half. But dear Onnie has already created an Excel(!) sheet entitled the "Ultimate BabyCost Matrix" designed to help her "figure out what stuff might ACTUALLY be needed when raising a little one for the first two years."

I am agape!

Her document is so far ahead of where I am. I just finished the conception phase (I only had to buy pre-natal vitamins and a basal body temperature thermometer!). I am now starting to read about pregnancy now, so that when I'm actually pregnant, I can start reading about how to raise an infant.

The best part is that Onnie agreed to let me share the document with all of you so you can give us feedback based on your perspectives/experiences. Hooray!

Onnie, thank you so, so much for sharing your hours and hours of work with all of us (there are two sheets included in the document!).

To everyone else: please be kind. It's completely okay to have a different opinion, since so much of what you "need" as a new parent depends on certain choices you make about parenting. Onnie's document is based on choices that she wants to make for herself. And we need to respect that. So if you're making different choices for yourself and therefore have different ideas about what should be on the list, please share your ideas in a way that doesn't make Onnie feel bad about her own choices.

I don't mean to pull out my teacher voice here, it's just that people can be mean commenters sometimes. I'm used to and have come to expect it occasionally, but I don't want to subject Onnie to any meanness because it is so, so kind of her to share this document with us in the first place.

Okay, I am getting down off my soapbox so I can finally share the document with you. Please share your opinions about how it should be revised in the comments section, so I can add to this document and make my own list. Thank you!

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Toothcare + Conception

I am just back from my bi-annual trip to the dentist (although it has been two years since my last visit, due to our move from Denver to Houston and my general dread of dentistry).

I don't mean to bore you with the mundane details of my life, but this particular dentist visit was significant for one reason: It was the last official thing I absolutely had to do before Matt and I start trying to conceive.

Of course there are still significant things on our list, like have more conversations about whether or not we're ready, and we still need to figure out a sexual intimacy frequency that works for both of us (which will likely be shattered once I'm pregnant and once we have an infant...). But this was the last very concrete item on the list (since you don't want to get x-rays when you're pregnant).

I'm only at the beginning of my cycle, but Matt and I may very well start trying to conceive once the egg-white cervical fluid makes its appearance. Even though we're not completely ready, we recognize that this process can take years. It doesn't seem very strategic to wait until we are completely ready. If you're completely ready to have a baby (is there even such a thing if you're conscious of what it actually entails?), then each month of an unsuccessful conception attempt is a complete disappointment. If you're not entirely ready, then a piece of you celebrates the fact that you have more time to be more carefree and to just enjoy your partnership.

We've been having lots of readiness conversations, since I am more ready than Matt. Part of it stems from the fact that I am five years older than Matt (I'm 32), and I feel more pressure to start now (since fertility issues increase with age). Matt has been talking with friends and family and is starting to realize that most people don't ever feel completely ready to have children.

I want to be super, super careful not to let the conception process turn stressful. I'm going to keep taking my temperature on weekday mornings and recording my cervical fluid. If we decide to start conceiving, we'll probably have sex once a day during my fertility window. I'm not going to pee on sticks (waiting 4-5 minutes before getting in the shower gets really old really quickly). I'm not going to assess the state of my cervix. I'm not going to buy a fancy digital monitoring system.

As far as my dental hygiene goes, I begged my dentist to give me advice for beefing up my toothcare regime (since my family has really bad gums). Since I already brush two times a day and floss once, she said the next step would be upgrading to a Sonicare toothbrush. I asked her if I should also be using mouthwash. She said that is a good option, but she is hesitant to recommend too many "next steps." I also asked her if I should be using a rubber-tipped thingamabob to improve circulation in my gums (thereby strengthening them). She said that wasn't really necessary (although she finally conceded that it might be good to do it on the bottom, inside of my mouth, since that is my most neglected area).

I'm excited to take better care of my teeth!

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Green Smoothies

My green smoothie making has begun!

I've made two so far. Here are the recipes:

Smoothie #1:

• Green chard
• A pear
• Half a banana
• Ice
• Water

Smoothie #2:

• Red chard
• Frozen peaches
• Frozen blackberries
• Water

The first one was really tasty. The second one was a bit too earthy. I'm not sure if it was the red chard or maybe it was all the seeds in the berries. Hard to tell.

This week, I'm going to do baby spinach and pear.

And my regular ol' blender seems to work just fine! (I'm scared to try a smoothie from a Vitamix because I might realize that I'm really missing out...).

Any other good recipes to recommend?

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Hoss and Me

I finally got around to watching Marley and Me (I'm always so behind on these things! I feel like an inadequate blogger...).

Part of me is flipping out about the prospect of having a baby. A significant portion of that movie was dedicated to the hard parts, with little attention devoted to the good times in those early years.

I think it's all compounded by the fact that I read Cate's amazing birth story yesterday, and I got to the very end when she and her partner are sitting on the couch with their newborn baby. When I read it I realized that I haven't thought much past the pregnancy part.

And then I read a few sentences about Amanda's lonely moments as a new mother.

And all of it is making me flash back to Naomi Wolf's book I read a while ago entitled Misconceptions: Truth, Lies, and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood.

It's going to be hard. And that's okay. There is sweetness after struggle. My reservations and worries are good because they better prepare me for the reality of the situation.

But at the same time, I'm thinking about ways to ease the struggle. I think part of the struggle comes from having children really close together. I haven't talked to a whole lot of parents about this issue (note to self: I need to find more mentors!), but it seems logical that it would be more difficult to bring a new needy infant into the family (hello complete exhaustion) while your other child is still in the chase-the-toddler stage. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this! It's hard to get people to open up and speak honestly because they are often more likely to defend their own choices.

I also think our current societal structure makes it more difficult. On the one hand, we have families with two parents who work full-time. That kind of setup creates lots of struggle to find enough time to fit everything in and it contributes to exhaustion and stress.

On the other hand, if one parent stays home, they tend to be isolated within their nuclear family. I can only begin to imagine how lonely I would feel if I stayed home with an infant by myself day in and day out. Play dates and outings to the park would not cut it.

Neither of these options feels right. A more nuanced combination might work better for Matt and me. I don't know if it's each of us working part-time jobs or one of us staying home and the other one working a full-time job at home. Or living within co-housing or an intentional neighborhood so there's more community, connection, and support.

And the trickiest part is that I can't plan any of it. I don't know when or if I'll get pregnant, so it's futile trying to think too hard about what we should do career-wise. It's premature planning.

And yet it's stuff I want to think about now because it's going to be easy to get swept away by a ton of other stuff if we do get pregnant. I don't want to lose my purpose or passions in life. I don't want to feel isolated or lonely for an extended period of time. I don't want to feel so stressed and overwhelmed and exhausted that I can't bask in the amazingness of a child's first few months of life.

A few days ago, I asked Matt to set aside some time to talk about what we want in our lives on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis once we have a child. I want to have a vision and pillars that can keep us grounded and moving in the right direction (or at least something that provides a frame of reference if we decide to go in an entirely different direction). All of this stuff will be good to throw into that discussion!

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Flash Mobs?

Apparently I am not up on my pop culture (no surprise there) because I am just now learning what the heck a "flash mob" is.

I so desperately want to be part of one of these. Is anyone planning one any time soon?

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The First Call with a Midwife

Ohmygoodness. I am in love with my potential midwife. [insert swoon]

I was so nervous about calling her (unfortunately, that's how my shy self rolls), but I mustered the courage to do it. I always hate those initially awkward calls ("Um, I'm the one who e-mailed you last week? Sara? Do you know what I'm talking about?") And there's always that pregnant pause (ha!) while the other person desperately tries to remember who the heck you are and what the heck you want. Oh, how I hate that.

But anyway. I called her, and she's amazing. The bad news is she's down-sizing her practice. She's 68 years-old and she is finally trying to balance her needs with her clients' needs. I so get it. (I referenced a conversation I read over on Katie's blog about her own dilemma with the demands of midwifery.)

I asked her about any nutritional recommendations she has for the pre-conception period. She said no processed foods (like "pop-tarts") and no empty calories. She's also not a big fan of cow's milk and instead recommends that I get my calcium from leafy greens, almonds, and almond milk. I asked her if she thought my vegetarianism would be a problem for my pregnancy and she said she's seen some of the healthiest placentas come out of vegetarian women. Woo-hoo!

Matt and I have an appointment scheduled with her for a one-hour conversation about home birth (she no longer delivers at a birth center). Once I get pregnant, I go in for a 3-hour consultation. After that, the visitation schedule is the same as it would be with an ob/gyn (although she also visits the home a couple times in preparation for birth).

Her total price is $5,600, which is definitely high for a midwife. However, she's helped deliver more than 1,600 babies. In my mind, her experience is worth the extra money. If I'm going to birth outside the mainstream medical establishment, it makes sense to go with someone who has so much experience.

She also requires that I hire a doula. She recommends three doulas in Houston, all of whom are able to monitor the baby's heartbeat and do vaginal exams if necessary. The one thing that worries me is that she and the doula will trade off monitoring me if the labor is really long. I understand the need to be awake and alert during birth, but I would be a little nervous not to have the midwife there at all times.

I feel so ecstatic about this whole process right now. I so often leave doctors' offices with such a frustrated feeling. I finally feel like I'm working with someone who believes in a holistic approach to health. She gets that nutrition matters. She gets that the body is an integrated whole. How comfortable we are during birth, for example, will have a huge impact on how the birth goes.

Honestly, I am so nervous about veering off the accepted American birth path. It's one thing to get weird looks and skeptical sighs when you say you're planning a $2000 wedding. It's an entirely different thing to have people think you are putting your life and your baby's life in extreme danger.

I'm going to ask her very hard questions when Matt and I go in for our initial meeting. I'll start brainstorming ideas and bring them to you for revision!

Thanks for being out there...

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Crafting Dates

Photo (and tutorial!) courtesy design*sponge

My friend Katie and I are planning another crafting date. I find that crafting is so much more fun with friends. We've only had two crafting dates so far, one to make holiday presents and another one in January (I made a purse and she started working on a quilt).

I should keep an ongoing list in my writer's notebook of everything I want to make, so I could just consult the list instead of trying to think of a project every time. I started one awhile ago, but then I finished that journal and forgot to transfer the list to my new writer's notebook.

So let's see. Well, since we'll be going on our Annual Adventure in a couple months, I'd really like to make a travel pillow. I've had a hard time finding a pattern, but this one looks really promising (and I like the premise of making "comfort pillow" for hospital patients). I would probably fill it with scented rice, but I worry that it might be really heavy...

I could also start thinking about my Halloween costumes. I know it's early. But I always run into a major time crunch with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Matt's birthday, and Christmas.

Speaking of which, I would love to start knocking out some Christmas presents. I would really like to hand-make presents this year. Maybe pajama pants for everyone? Or stamped note-cards?

Are you working on any sewing projects right now? Or scheming up hand-made presents for the holidays? I'd love some inspiration!

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