Search for a New Couch

Matt and I need to get a new couch. I try not to use the word "need" when describing new, consumer goods, but, honestly, we really need a new couch.

I bought our current couch ten years ago when I lived in rural Louisiana. It has traveled with me to six different homes, in three different states. It's the comfiest, most inviting couch. In fact, the problem is not the couch; the problem is our dog, Hoss.

You see, Hoss is a bloodhound-mix. Bloodhounds are notorious droolers. Hoss is no exception. He also sheds uncontrollably. He pretty much sheds enough hair to create a replica of himself approximately once a week.

Matt and I initially tried to keep him off the couch while we were at work by covering it with chairs. When Hoss seemed to jump beyond the chairs and settle onto the couch anyway, we started adding baskets and other random things. Hoss still managed to jump beyond all of it and nestle himself on the very top ledge of the couch. He didn't even care that he would sometimes scratch his belly in the process. Did I mention that bloodhounds are also notoriously stubborn?

So Hoss spends at least eight hours a day on our couch. As a result, it is covered in hair and encrusted with drool. In other words, it's disgusting. So disgusting, in fact, that I find myself avoiding spending time in our living room. Since our house only has six rooms total (a living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom, office, and bedroom), I'm definitely missing out.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure we need to get a leather couch to cope with the bloodhound situation. A leather couch would allow us to easily brush off the hair, and we could use a sponge to wipe off the drool. Sounds heavenly! We could also go the slip cover route, but I probably couldn't bring myself to wash it more than once a week, and in that time, it would get incredibly dirty and I still wouldn't want to spend much time on it.

The problem with leather is that Matt and I are vegetarians. We don't eat meat for a variety of reasons, including the environmental impact of raising cows. Buying a leather couch feels kind of hypocritical, although I do feel better knowing that we will likely have the couch for a long, long time.

I tried to get around this issue by searching for a used leather couch on Craigslist. I've been at it for more than a year. Needless to say, it is very difficult to find a good looking couch on Craigslist...

It looks like I'm going to have to resort to a new leather couch. I've been thinking about the IKEA Stockholm sofa. I wish it were a lighter color, but I appreciate how comfortable it is. It's also super-spacious, despite having a small footprint. I'll have to do a fingernail scratch test on it to see if it could withstand a dog getting on and off.

I should also explore some furniture stores around town and see if we can find something better...

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Genetic Testing Part II

When I started reading your comments in response to my genetic testing dilemma, I initially thought that I needed to go through with the test. There were so many compelling arguments about how I needed to honor my internal planning self and find out as much information as possible in order to prepare for whatever might be in store for us. I was especially compelled by Sharpiegirl's question: "If you have a student that is going to be in your class next year that is special needs, wouldn't you want some advanced notice so you could help that child be all it can be right from the beginning?" And then LauraC brought up the whole point about knowing early on that you're having twins, so that you can adjust your prenatal plan accordingly.

But then Eliza shared this story about a woman who learns that her child has down syndrome when she gives birth to her baby and holds her to her chest for the first time. Even though the woman had spent nine months bonding with her baby and was then holding the living, breathing little girl in her arms, she still had an overwhelming sense of rejection toward her daughter. It made me realize that I think my midwife is right. If I wouldn't consider abortion based on the results of the genetic testing, then I should just spend my pregnancy focusing on loving my child without any expectations about who s/he is.

Before I was pregnant, I was more open to the possibility of resorting to abortion if there was something "wrong" with the baby. But now that I'm pregnant, my feelings are changing. I don't feel like I can bear the responsibility of deciding who gets to live and who dies.

Don't get me wrong; I am still pro-choice. I don't think we as a society should ever force a woman to bring an unwanted child into the world. But when it comes to chromosomal abnormalities, special needs, and differences, I can't be the one to decide what kind of child is "worth" being carried and what kind should be aborted.

That's just me and where I am right now. I certainly honor the fact that each of us needs to process these issues for ourselves and figure out what makes sense to us. I just wanted to update you on what I'm thinking right now.

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Response to Your Comments

You all make my life better on a daily basis. It sounds cheesy, but it's true.

Every single one of your comments gets delivered to my e-mail inbox, so they keep me company throughout the day. I respond to them in my mind, much more often than I respond to them in the comments section. I even bring them up in conversations with my friends and family.

Your comments inspire me, answer my questions, give me invaluable resources, make me think deeply, and smile.

I wanted to take a second to pull some comments out from last week and address them in this post:

People in my life who have given birth say over and over again that the more scared you are, and the more you're expecting pain, the harder it is. And the harder it is, the more likely interventions are needed (which isn't to say we cause interventions, or interventions aren't needed all the time for practical things like a baby in breech). But that is to say, we can lay the groundwork as well as we can, and that means preparing to totally let go, give up all control and ride it. This is, I think, a very literal example of our mind's shaping our realities.

I absolutely agree with you. Most of the "fear" that you heard in my post about birth was primarily related to birthing in a hospital with commonly accepted interventions. That's why I'm not going the hospital route (although I recognize that I cannot ultimately control how my birth unfolds and I may end up in the hospital if it becomes necessary). I plan to spend several months of my pregnancy preparing myself for the amazingness of birth. I'm going to sign up for a Hynobabies course, and I'm going to read books like Birthing from Within. I plan to do lots of reflection about how I'm feeling and what I'm fearing. My goal is to enter into the birth experience with overwhelming positive expectations and eagerness. I want to learn how to let my mind and body completely relax, so that my uterus can do what it needs to do. I don't want to get in its way!

At the end of the day, what I most remember about #1 is that you really have no control over labor and delivery. You kind of just have to go with the flow and remember that a successful birth ends with a healthy mom and healthy baby.

I absolutely agree with this, too. We can control the inputs (e.g., I can eat nutritious foods, drink plenty of water, get lots of rest, destress, mentally prepare myself for birth, take my vitamins, proactively seek out a health care provider that I trust, etc.), but we can't control the outputs. I very much appreciate the conception and pregnancy processes for helping me cultivate the ability to focus on the inputs and let go of control of the outputs. This skill will be invaluable when I become a parent!

It seems like a lot of women go the natural route just so they can wear that badge of honor rather than because it is the best for them and the child, and I hate that. It just seems like a new form of abuse towards women - that you need to do it naturally to be a real woman.

I think everyone needs to do what feels right for them (and then analyze the underlying reasons about why it feels right). For me, going the natural route is not about any "badge of honor" or doing it in order to feel like a "real woman." First of all, I distrust the pharmaceutical industry in the United States. Its primary motivation is money, not people's health and wellness. There have been several medicines that have been used for maternity care over the last several decades that have later been proven to have severely negative consequences. I simply try to avoid medications, whenever possible. Second, I trust my body and I trust that birth is a normal experience that women have been going through for thousands and thousands of years.

I think we need to get away from judging and labeling each other based on our individual birthing choices. We are all different and have different perspectives, priorities and experiences. At the end of the day we all do the best we can for ourselves and our children.

I wholeheartedly agree with this! I think it's important to respectfully ask each other critical questions and to consider other perspectives, but at the end of the day, we each need to do what makes sense for us. There are no absolutes with any of this stuff. Even the "experts" change their opinions every few years.

And while I appreciate that you share your perspective on your own experiences, I suggest that you might want to consider, when reflecting on how quickly you were able to get pregnant, sending a shout out to the scores of folks who have difficulty doing so. There is a privilege in getting pregnant, and in getting pregnant easily. While I certainly don't deny your own feelings related to that, I'm asking you to consider others'.

I'm so, so sorry that you don't think I talk about my experience in a way that honors everyone who has difficulty getting pregnant. For the past six years or so, I considered myself to be someone who would have difficulty getting pregnant (because of what a doctor told me a long time ago). Although I remained optimistic and prepared myself for conception as much as possible, I also acknowledged that I might need to resort to fertility interventions or that I might need to eventually adopt.

The last poster made me think of seeing this video recently.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4a67c70135/pregnant-women-are-smug-by-garfunkel-and-oates?rel=auto_related&rel_pos=2

Oh no. According to this song, I am becoming a smug pregnant woman! I used to want a girl, but once I became pregnant I stopped caring.

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Building Confidence in Children

Last week, I started working in my classroom to get prepared for the new school year. Luckily, one of my students and her mom came in to help. Since I teach at a public Montessori school and Montessori classroom are multi-age, I teach 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders, and I get to work with each child for three years.

The student asked what she could do to help, so I directed her toward our classroom vacuum cleaner. After she had vacuumed for several minutes, I informed her that she might want to empty the vacuum soon, especially if she noticed that it wasn't picking up as much stuff anymore. She then asked me how to empty the vacuum cleaner. I could have easily told her how to do it, but, instead, I seized the opportunity to emphasize a really important lesson. I said, "You know, when I don't know how to do something, my brain makes a guess and I try it out. If it doesn't work, I come up with another guess and try that one out. Why don't you make a guess and try it out?"

Of course she was able to figure it out after a few different tries. I'm convinced that these kinds of lessons are invaluable, and that we have to consciously teach them to our children in order to cultivate their confidence and their willingness to take risks, make mistakes, and figure things out.

It's so much easier to do things for children. It's often faster and less messy, and it also fills a deep psychological need to be needed. But we don't want our children to be dependent on us to do things for them that they can do for themselves. When they do for themselves, they build their sense of self-worth. They build real confidence. We can't truly build their confidence by telling them they are smart or that they can do anything if they put their mind to it. We have to provide them with opportunities and experiences that allow them to realize those things about themselves.

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Possible Miscarriage Update

The good news is that the blood is now brownish, which my midwife says indicates it is old and drying up. The bad news is that she is still "really worried" because I've been experiencing a decrease in my pregnancy symptoms ever since the bleeding started (mainly, less tenderness in my breasts and less queasiness). Matt and I are traveling right now, so there's nothing more I can do except take it easy, be patient, and enjoy our time together as much as possible.

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Annual Adventure Recap

Vancouver

Vancouver

Vancouver

Lake Louise (in Canada)

Ah. [insert sigh of contentment] Matt and I had a fantastic two-week road trip from California to Canada.

First, we flew to L.A. and stayed with our beloved friend Rachel in an awesome house converted into apartments in none other than Beverly Hills. After two delicious meals, lots of good conversation, and a run through the mountains, Matt and I continued on our trip by driving through Big Sur. We stopped frequently to take in the breath-taking vistas. When we finally reached our campsite at the very top of Big Sur, the ranger regretfully informed us that it was full (which we should have anticipated, since it was the Fourth of July).

Instead, we celebrated our holiday with a Subway picnic on our bed at the Comfort Inn. We could see fireworks through our hotel window (and Matt convinced the staff to bake fresh cookies for us!).

The next day, we drove to San Francisco and hiked through the uncrowded part of Muir Woods. We met up with some friends and family for delicious Indian food. The next day, we continued north and camped where the redwoods meet the coast. We had mediocre fettuccine alfredo while sitting in the most beautiful restaurant booth of our lives, overlooking the coast.

The next day, we hit the Oregon coast and stayed at the Sylvia Beach Hotel. We opted for the communal dinner, which was full of good food and good company. Then we climbed to the third floor (overlooking the ocean) and played a game of Scrabble with one of our newly-made friends, late into the night.

The next day we had a $40 lunch from an Indian truck in Portland. ($6 for the meal, $34 for the parking ticket). We continued to Leavenworth to visit with friends. What a quaint town!

The next day, we scared ourselves at the Canadian border but made it to Field, British Columbia. We had fun canoeing and hiking and cooking ravioli and playing Scrabble and reading. After a couple days there, we continued to Vancouver. We ordered pizza and went swimming at another Comfort Inn. Then we had an amazing day of bike riding around the park, walking to the little ferry and getting lunch at the public market. On the way back to our hotel, we walked across a death-defying suspension bridge and hiked down to the base of some waterfalls. Matt had the courage to strip down to his underwear and get in. That night, we went to the movies to see Toy Story 3.

The next day, we hiked before taking off for Seattle. We hotwired a hotel and stayed in a posh hotel downtown. We walked a ways to meet new friends for vegetarian food. The next day, we stopped by Pike’s Fish Market, met an old friend and her new baby for breakfast, and then trekked to Eugene to meet up with more good friends. We pulled potatoes from the ground, chopped things, made dinner, picked raspberries from a community garden and then ate them with ice-cream. Then we high-tailed it to Oakland to cook S’mores with more old friends. The next day, we drove to L.A., swam in our friend's pool, ate Thai take-out, went to the most amazing self-serve yogurt place EVER, and watched Crazy Heart.

It was a crazy-packed itinerary with lots of driving (more than 4,000 miles in two weeks!). At some points, we were regretting our decision to cover so much ground in so little time, but we still very much enjoyed our time together. It's such beautiful territory!

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Possible Miscarriage?

As I was getting ready for bed last night, I realized that I was bleeding. Earlier that day, I had been reading about how miscarriages usually start with bleeding and are then followed by cramping (I thought it would be the other way around). The book said I should call my healthcare provider immediately if I noticed any blood.

I told Matt that I might be having a miscarriage and that I should just go to bed and rest (it was past midnight where my midwife was). I assured him that there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.

I've really been cultivating the ability to contribute to the best "inputs" possible and then relinquish control of the "outputs." For example, through the whole conception process, I did as much as I could to prepare my body, mind, and life for pregnancy, and then I left everything else to the universe, understanding that I couldn't control when conception would actually occur.

It's the same with pregnancy. I can get sufficient rest, take my vitamins, exercise, feed myself, and relax, but I can't do much more beyond that to control the "output" of the pregnancy. I can't stop a miscarriage.

I'm supposing these are valuable lessons to learn for parenthood, too. We can control the inputs (the kind of loving, supportive, nurturing environment we create for our children), but we can't control who our children grow up to be.

I was doing okay as I lay in bed. Then Matt started to shake with tears. So I, too, cried as I fell asleep.

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