Enroll Now: Purposeful Conception Online Course!

I'm hoping that the worst of my miscarriage is over. I woke up yesterday morning, and Matt and I decided to get out of the house with Henry. His parents' housekeepers were going to be in the house for several hours, and we didn't want to get in their way. I was sitting on the porch with Henry while we were getting ready to go, and I felt a sudden gush of warm blood. I ran to the restroom. Afterwards, I suggested that we go get a really good breakfast, so I could nourish my body. 

On the car ride there, I could feel more blood gushing. I'll spare you all the details, but I will say I had to go the restroom many times during breakfast, and at one point I even got a little blood on the floor (which I cleaned up). I probably would have freaked out about the amount of blood, except that I had watched The Help the day before, and there was a scene involving a normal miscarriage with a lot of blood.

I asked Matt to rush me home, and I spent about 45 minutes just sitting on the toilet (I'm sorry this post is getting so graphic). I passed a lot of tissue, and the cramping started to get uncomfortable. In total, I suppose the intense parts lasted a couple hours. After that, my bleeding slowed to a medium flow. I spent the day watching On Demand movies on the comfortable couch. 

I still have sad moments, and I cry when I need to, but I am also eager to move forward. I'm excited to work through the next Purposeful Conception course with a community of kindred spirits who are working through their own journeys. I want to get my body, mind, and life back into a place where I feel ready to nurture a new life again. 

For those of you who are thinking about conception or are actively trying, this online course will help you position your mind, body, and life for pregnancy. From July 30 through August 24, a new lesson will be uploaded each weekday. The lessons will address a comprehensive range of topics, such as preparing your body through solid nutrition and exercise, finding balance between what you can and cannot control, making space in your life for pregnancy, deciding whether to track your cycle, building a solid partnership as a foundation for your future family, and much, much more. As a participant in the course, you'll receive information, tips, reflection exercises and prompts, and a community of like-minded kindred spirits who are on a journey similar to your own.

The course doesn't presume that doing x, y, and z will lead to pregnancy. Instead, the idea is to focus on the things we can control in order to create a solid foundation (e.g., nutrition, stress levels, relationships, finances, etc.) and to make peace with the things we cannot control about the process.

Interested in learning more? Visit the Course Overview or About the Author. Spaces are available on a first-come, first-served basis. The total cost is $99 USD. Register Now! Or e-mail me with more questions. Happy Conceiving!

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Organizing Every Inch of Our House

Yesterday was a bit rough. I dragged Matt and a tired Henry to the doctor with me for my RhoGAM shot. It's hard going to a new doctor in a state you don't live in, especially for such a sensitive issue. Fortunately, Matt's mom helped us find a good place. I had to bring Matt with me because I was afraid I might break down and not be able to speak. 

I was able to make it through my standard speech with the intake nurse: "I would be at 13 weeks right now. The baby stopped developing around five or six weeks; we don't know exactly when. I've already had an ultrasound. I've already had my pregnancy hormones tested. I started bleeding Sunday morning. I'm A-negative; I need a shot of RhoGAM."

I made it through that part okay. Then they sent me to the lab to get my blood drawn. They wanted to make sure I was A-negative (which I still don't understand, since they gave me the shot right after I had my blood drawn, even though they won't get the results of my blood type until tomorrow). 

While getting my blood drawn with Henry and Matt in the room (we wanted Henry to see that he's not the only one in our family who gets poked with needles), the woman asked with a smile, "So, are you pregnant with your second?" 

Why, yes I was. Up until last week I was pregnant with our sweet little January baby. We were counting our lucky stars that we got pregnant on our first try (for the second time in a row), and I was counting down the days until I entered the second trimester. It was right around the corner! But then we didn't hear the heartbeat. We even have that part on video. Even then, I was optimistic that everything was okay. I was going to come back in a week and we were going to listen for the heartbeat again. But we decided to test my hormones and they came back not so great. And then, after more waiting, the ultrasound confirmed it. Now I'm just waiting to give birth to death.

Instead of saying all that, I said, "No, I'm having a miscarriage." I was able to state those five words and hold back the tears (until we got to the parking lot). 

But this isn't a post about miscarriage. We've had quite a few of those lately. I'll continue to share my thoughts about miscarriage as I need to, but this post is about home organization. 

[insert segue here]

While on vacation, I read an old Martha Stewart magazine that featured Martha's cleaning supply room (yes, she has a whole separate building dedicated to her cleaning supplies and tools and things). It is a model of impeccable organization. Every single thing has a logical, labeled spot, and it was easy to access. That's exactly what I want for our new house. I only want us to have things in our home that we use/need/want, and I want everything to have a place. I want our home to feel like our little bungalow did when we had it on the market (for sale by owner)--completely decluttered, orderly, organized, and calm. 

That's not to say I want to live in a museum. I want our home to be comfortable and family-friendly. But I want us to be conscious of what we buy and where we put it. I put a library hold on Martha Stewart's book about organizing for inspiration. 

In the meantime, I found this way to conveniently organize spices on the inside a cabinet door. Honestly, I can't believe we ever lived without it. Right now, our spices take up an entire cabinet shelf. When we want one, we have to lift up every single container and turn it so we can see the label. If it's toward the back, it's highly likely that we will knock something else over while trying to excavate it. 

Why do we live that way? I'm serious! Why do we live with unnecessary stresses that threaten to accumulate over a lifetime? The fix is such an easy an inexpensive one! 

The second organizational strategy I want to implement is a better system for trash and recycling. As I mentioned above, I'm the kind of person who wants to declutter and minimize the number of things sitting out (on the counter, on the floor, etc.). We do not space for a trash can on the ground (especially with bulky things like the Learning Tower taking up a lot of space), so instead we keep two paper Whole Foods bags under the sink: one for trash and one for recycling. I won't even go into all the reasons I don't really like this system. Instead, I will say that I'm going to talk to the architect about trading out two of our drawers so that we can install one of those sliding trash and recycling systems.

Is it strange that I get immense joy from figuring out ways to be more organized? It is what it is, I suppose.

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Miscarriage Update: The Bleeding Begins

Matt, Henry, and I are on vacation in Bloomington, Indiana, where Matt's family lives. This past weekend, Matt's family volunteered to watch Henry and treated us to a two-day solo-vacation on the coast of lake Michigan.

I feel like I'm doing well in terms of processing the miscarriage emotionally. Your support via the comments section and the personal e-mails meant so much to me. I apologize to each and every one of you that I wasn't able to respond individually; it was simply too painful. But I appreciated your words, kindness, and logistical recommendations so much. 

I still dwell in moments of sadness sometimes--like when I realized that having a miscarriage is like giving birth to death. But I'm getting to a place where I can look ahead and think about the cycle of healing my body and preparing to try and nurture life again.

My biggest worry has been about the actual process of miscarriage and my choice to try and let it happen naturally, despite the recommendations of my good friends who have been in this place before me.

A week ago, the midwife said it would likely happen in the next two weeks, but I didn't understand how she could say that with any certainty. The baby stopped developing approximately seven weeks ago. Why would the miscarriage happen now? 

Any time I feel anything at all in my body, I try to take in a deep breath and slowly let it out as I assure myself that it's time to let the baby go. When I read this post about miscarriage, I was able to put words to my choice to try and let the miscarriage happen naturally. My baby was already taken from me; I don't want to take it from my body. I want to give my body the space and time it needs to let the baby go. 

I woke up yesterday in the pale hours of the morning. I had the overwhelming urge to pee. I tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but I finally decided I would sleep better if I went to the bathroom. It was then that I realized the spotting had started. When I lay back in bed, I couldn't sleep. Instead, I watched the sunrise. The clouds kept shifting into new images. First, I saw the face of a man. I cried for the person our baby never had the chance to become. Then the clouds shifted into a chubby-cheeked baby staring into the horizon. Finally, I saw a seahorse. It didn't have any meaning to me, but it made me realize that I wasn't imagining the man or the baby. The shapes were what they were. 

I still need to plant succulents in our new vase to give life to and commemorate our love for our lost baby, and I also need to write the baby a letter. 

I cry when I need to, but other than that, I face forward. I think about running another Purposeful Conception course soon to connect with others who are thinking about preparing their minds, bodies, and lives for pregnancy. I also spend a lot of time collaborating with Kylie and Angie on our book which is coming out any! day! I'm also busy getting ready for school. Professional development for teachers starts on July 23, and school starts on August 6--this is for my job as the Director of Operations and Compliance for a new charter school opening in Austin, not the Montessori school I'm trying to start.

Now that my bleeding has started, I need to get a shot of Rhogam. My blood type is A-negative. If the baby happens to be A-positive and its blood mixes with mine, then my body would produce antibodies that would be detrimental to any future baby that was A-positive.

One day at a time.

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A Montessori Home: Teaching Responsibility

 According to Montessori from the Start, children are usually ready to start Practical Life activities around 15 months old. Henry is officially 16 months old, so we've been seizing any opportunity to involve him in our daily life. For example, we ask him to carry his breakfast (a bowl of plain, whole fat yogurt with blueberries) to his table every day, and then we ask him to carry it to the kitchen when he's done (he eats breakfast and snacks at his weaning table). I ask him to put his clothes in his laundry basket, turn on lights, close doors, etc.

After watching Edison's Day for the upteenth time (during a family education event for the school I'm trying to start), I decided it was time to teach Henry how to feed Hoss (in the video, Edison feeds the cat). I know it can be dangerous for children to feed dogs because dogs can be so unpredictable around food, but Hoss is a certified therapy dog and, frankly, he doesn't care that much about his dry dog food. 

Here are the steps I went through to facilitate Henry's independence and teach him responsibility:

1. I brainstormed ways to change the environment to make the dog food accessible to him. I was contemplating purchasing a small shelf, but Matt had the idea that we should just use one of our existing cabinets. We have plenty of storage, so it wasn't a big deal to shuffle stuff around, and Henry can open and close the cabinets independently. We chose a lower cabinet that is at his height. 
2. On a trip to IKEA (I was trying to take my mind off the miscarriage--although seeing tons of pregnant couples shopping for cribs didn't really help), I purchased a plastic silverware drawer to neatly separate out different items for Henry. Matt and I almost opted for the bamboo one, since natural materials are always superior to synthetic ones in a Montessori environment, but I couldn't justify the extra $10, since we'll be moving sooner rather than later and will have to prepare an entirely different environment for him. I also purchased a little tray, since having defined spaces for different activities helps children develop an orderly mind. 
3. At Whole Foods, I purchased a container to hold the dog food. I was looking for a piece of Tupperware with a top that flipped open (so Henry could pour the food) and screwed off (so we could fill the food for Henry). Instead, I opted for a glass container with a top that Henry can remove independently.
4. I set up the tray and the dog food in Henry's cabinet. This system will require Matt or me to fill the container every morning and night, but that's part of facilitating Henry's independence from a very early age. He needs us to scaffold the activity, so he can easily manage it by himself. Yes, it takes more work on our part, but doing Practical Life activities benefits him so much. They help him form his sense of self; we give him opportunities to be competent. They also help him develop his focus and concentration and his fine- and gross-motor skills. 
5. I carefully thought through what the process should look like step-by-step. Breaking down processes into their smallest components is integral to teaching young children how to do something new: 1) Open the cabinet. 2) Remove the lid of the container and place it on the tray next to the container of dog food. 3) Remove the container. 4) Carefully carry it over to Hoss's bowl. 5) Set down the container. 6) Sit down. 7) Pick up the container and dump the food into Hoss's bowl. 8) Pick up any extra pieces that fell on the ground. 9) Stand up. 10) Pick up the container. 11) Walk the container to the shelf and place it on the tray. 12) Place the lid back on the container. 13) Close the cabinet door. 
6. In the Montessori tradition, lessons such as this primarily happen through modeling rather than talking. When the lesson is quiet, it allows the child to focus on the guide's movements. I choose to give the lesson through words and actions because I'm trying to fill Henry's world with as much language as possible.

This kind of parenting takes more work up front, but my hypothesis is that it's going to be worth the invest. My hope is that we won't have to cajole Henry into doing chores by using sticker charts or weekly allowances. Instead, participating in the daily rhythm of our household will just be what we all do to contribute to our family. More importantly, I think this kind of work helps him develop intrinsic motivation and a strong core of self-confidence that is not dependent upon praise from others.

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Happy Fourth of July!

 

(to those of you who live in the United States)

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It's Official: We're Having a Miscarriage

Matt and I went to the ultrasound appointment yesterday. I was surprisingly able to rein in my tears. All of my optimism from last week was gone, and I was completely expecting to hear that the pregnancy was no longer viable. I was worried, however, that the developing fetus would be somewhere it wasn't supposed to be, especially when the technician needed to do a transvaginal ultrasound in addition to the regular ultrasound. I was relieved to hear that the pregnancy stopped developing around five or six weeks, and that the fetus is relatively small. 

I've decided to wait and see if I can miscarry naturally. It was a hard decision to make because most of my friends who have miscarried recommend opting for the D&C instead. I would prefer to let my body do its work, but I'm fine getting a D&C if I need to. 

I'm still in a sad place. Reading many of your comments and personal e-mail messages brought tears to my eyes. But I'm also finding my way back to equilibrium. I trust my body and the natural processes of Nature. I also look forward to taking care of my body and nurturing it back into a healthy place so it's ready to sustain another life.

This past weekend, Matt and I bought a vase at Uncommon Objects. I think I will plant a succulent in it and dedicate it to our sweet baby who will always be in our hearts.

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Probable Miscarriage

Where do I start? I guess the easiest place would be to start chronologically.

On Friday, I had my hormone levels tested. I opted for the hormone test rather than an ultrasound because I personally think it's prudent to try and minimize the number of ultrasounds in a given pregnancy. I also had my bile acids level checked, to see if my liver was starting to malfunction.

On Saturday, the midwife called to say it's highly likely that I have suffered a miscarriage. My progesterone levels are half of what they should be at this point. I'm going in for a conclusive ultrasound on Monday.

I held it together for most of the conversation, but she kept talking and talking and I finally couldn't hold it together anymore. I told her I needed to go and hung up the phone.

So many different thoughts are running through my head. I think about our baby--the size of a lime or a fig--dead inside of me. I worry about the process of getting it out. I think about how perfect the timing would have been for this pregnancy and how it would not have interfered with the process of starting my school. I could have met the baby's needs for time with its mother during that first year and met my needs for growing professionally and impacting the world. And then I get frustrated with myself for thinking about logistics at a time like this. I remind myself that we can't control the most important things in life. I wonder whether it's good to break down in front of Henry so that he sees the range of emotions we all experience as humans or whether it's too frightening for a 16 month-old who smiles as he drags his rake across the carpet. I remind myself that the rate of miscarriage is remarkably high and that it's probably the body's way of producing a relatively high number of perfect, healthy babies. I am thankful for my body. I am also thankful that I already have a perfect, healthy, happy boy. It makes this loss so much easier, and I can't even begin to imagine what my friends and acquaintances must feel when they miscarry their first. I can already see how hard it is going to be for me to look at ultrasound pictures of my friends' developing babies on Facebook. It is clear that the grieving process will take a while and it is probably that I will feel this loss forever. I think about the letter I already wrote to our sweet baby. I contemplate destroying it but instead decide to preserve the history of our family's loss and talk openly with Henry (and our future child?) about it. I start brainstorming all the reasons it's good to not be pregnant right now: I can go to the dentist and get the crown I need, since there's no baby to hurt with Novacaine. We'll be able to put more money toward our house, since I won't have to go on maternity leave. Our new house will be ready by the time we do have another baby. Again, I start to get frustrated with myself for being so practical and logistics-minded. And I start to wonder if I will be able to sustain a pregnancy again. Were my hormone levels messed up because I weaned Henry right at the start of my pregnancy? I start thinking about all the things I can do to get my body in shape to try again. I get mad that I've trudged through 11 weeks of pregnancy (the first trimester is the worst!) and have nothing to show for it. And I get sad that I have such selfish thoughts. And then I tell myself to let myself feel whatever I feel, no judgment. Then I wonder who our baby might have been.

I cry and cry.

And now the process of spreading the word begins. I intentionally told people early on because I also wanted to talk openly about miscarriage if I had one. I don't regret that decision, but it will be hard to have this conversation over and over again. I'm going to use a lot of e-mail and text.

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