Possible Miscarriage?

As I was getting ready for bed last night, I realized that I was bleeding. Earlier that day, I had been reading about how miscarriages usually start with bleeding and are then followed by cramping (I thought it would be the other way around). The book said I should call my healthcare provider immediately if I noticed any blood.

I told Matt that I might be having a miscarriage and that I should just go to bed and rest (it was past midnight where my midwife was). I assured him that there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.

I've really been cultivating the ability to contribute to the best "inputs" possible and then relinquish control of the "outputs." For example, through the whole conception process, I did as much as I could to prepare my body, mind, and life for pregnancy, and then I left everything else to the universe, understanding that I couldn't control when conception would actually occur.

It's the same with pregnancy. I can get sufficient rest, take my vitamins, exercise, feed myself, and relax, but I can't do much more beyond that to control the "output" of the pregnancy. I can't stop a miscarriage.

I'm supposing these are valuable lessons to learn for parenthood, too. We can control the inputs (the kind of loving, supportive, nurturing environment we create for our children), but we can't control who our children grow up to be.

I was doing okay as I lay in bed. Then Matt started to shake with tears. So I, too, cried as I fell asleep.

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August: Reflection & Rejuvenation

Image courtesy the Nikki McClure calendar

The month of The Return to School is already here. Pure craziness! Let's check in and see how the reality of my life aligns with my intentions for July:

1. Enjoy an amazing two-week road trip with Matt. Yes! Yes! Yes! It was so very fun.
   
2. Attend professional development outside of Austin. This got canceled. At least I had a little extra time to start getting ready for school.
   
3. Try to fill up registration for my e-course. I didn't get to 100 participants, but I'm excited about the people who did enroll!
   
4. Facilitate grade-level collaboration among my Montessori colleagues as we prepare for the new year. Yep!
   
5. Continue nourishing my body with good food and exercising my body. As much as I could, considering the constraints of my first trimester of pregnancy!
   

My intentions for August:

1. Enjoy a mini-vacation with Matt as we trek to Las Vegas for a conference and spend a few extra days at Zion National Park.
2. Have fun participating in my Purposeful Conception course.
   
3. Accomplish my massive to-do list before school starts. Get to a place where I can actually sit and meditate in my classroom before school starts.
4. Prepare to present a workshop at a conference in September.
5. Organize our office.
6. Spanish, Spanish, Spanish. Enough said.
   
7. Finish learning all I can about pregnancy.
8. Relax and rest!

What are your intentions for August?

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First Visit to the Midwife

Today's post wraps up our little series about pregnancy. There will definitely be more to come, but it's not likely to be every single day like it has been this entire week.

I wanted to share my first visit to the midwife with you all. I suppose I should backtrack and explain why Matt and I chose to go the homebirth route with a certified-nurse midwife, in case I haven't explicitly talked about it.

I have to say upfront that I am not going to get on a soapbox and pontificate about why the entire maternity care system should switch over to homebirth. I just don't feel that certain about it. In fact, if I am one of those rare cases where something goes horribly wrong, I may wish I would have gone the hospital route.

But as it is right now, a homebirth makes the most sense for our family. Here are my thoughts about it:

• Personally, I am more uncomfortable with the likelihood of receiving unnecessary interventions in the hospital than I am with the risks associated with homebirth. I am afraid of unnecessary induction and pitocin. I am afraid of wanting an epidural because other interventions changed the nature, frequency, and intensity of my contractions. I am afraid of the situation escalating into a cesarean, primarily because the doctor is afraid of a malpractice suit. I am afraid that years down the road, we will realize that many of the "common" interventions used in childbirth actually have unintended consequences and leave a negative impact on our children.
  
• I can't imagine going through the most painful experience of my life while strapped to monitors that hinder me from moving in ways that are most comfortable to me. I can't imagine being encouraged to lie on my back in a very unnatural position, simply because it's convenient for other people. I can't imagine spending hours upon hours in a tiny room with different people coming in and out as the shifts change.

Even as I write all of that, I can imagine that many of you had hospital births and had much better experiences than the one I'm envisioning. I can also imagine someone writing a similarly negative list about homebirths (e.g., "I can't imagine having all that blood in my own home! I can't imagine how scared I would be to deliver a baby so far from the hospital....").

That's the thing about big, life-changing events: We have to do what makes sense to us. And then be okay with it.

And then we have to realize that there's a line between what we can and cannot control. I may very well end up in a hospital with a cesarean, despite all my intentions!

I actually think the most important thing in the whole process is finding someone you trust to be your caregiver, regardless of whether it's a hospital, birthing center, or homebirthing situation.

Luckily, Matt and I adore our midwife. She recently moved her office to our neighborhood, so it takes about four minutes to get to her historic bungalow office. While we waited in the front room, I immediately felt comfortable. It was so much easier to relax in an environment with natural light and comfortable furnishings.

When she called us in, she let us ask questions first. I asked her about how she handles Rh factor since I'm A negative and Matt is A positive. We asked her when our birthing classes begin, as well as her thoughts about eating soft cheeses/runny egg yolks, having sex even though I've had some spotting, and jogging. She then talked through our entire health history, as well as how we're doing psychologically and emotionally with the pregnancy. She even asked questions like: "Sara, how is your relationship with Matt's family? Matt, how is your relationship with Sara's family?" in order to get a picture of our emotional states and our general support system.

Throughout each part of the conversation, she really listened to us and responded to our concerns. She also demonstrated her immense knowledge and connected with us as people. I also appreciated how she focused a lot on action steps. For example, she asked me what was stressing me out most in my life right now. I explained that I am most worried about the fact that Matt and I have different preferences for how frequently we are sexually intimate. I added that I was particularly worried about how our relationship would be impacted once we were more exhausted and stressed than we have ever been. She gave us the card for a couple who does counseling and suggested that we speak to them so they could help us get to the root of the issue. In terms of other next steps, she directed me to a local herb shop to pick up some red raspberry leaf and nettle tea. She also gave me a diet log to fill out and bring to our next appointment.

Although I feel a little unsettled by the fact that sonograms will not be a routine part of our visits, I am overall really happy with the route we've chosen for ourselves. I'll let you know how it goes!

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Genetic Testing?

[Editor's Note: Today's post and tomorrow's will be about pregnancy. Then we'll get back to our regular melange of topics (which will be a well-rounded mix of stuff, including pregnancy). And, by the way, there are only four more days to register for Purposeful Conception, my online course about preparing your mind, body, and life for pregnancy!]

A friend of mine is several weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy, and she's going the ob/gyn route in a hospital. It's interesting to compare our experiences (since I'm going the homebirth route with a midwife).

For example, genetic testing is a routine part of my friend's care, while it's something I have to seek outside of my midwife's care, if I want it. My midwife argues that Matt and I should first decide what we would do with the results. If we would have an abortion if our child were diagnosed with a chromosomal difference, then she recommends that we get the nuchal translucency screening. If we would keep the baby, she argues that we should not do the testing. She contends that it's better to spend all of pregnancy bonding with the baby instead of feeling like the baby is defective.

I'm so torn about all of it.

In fact, I keep staring at the screen, not knowing how to articulate all the thoughts that are swirling around in my head.

Here's my meager attempt:

• Chromosomal abnormality is rare. The statistics are in my favor.
  
• I am a planner. I think I would be better prepared to cope with a child with special needs if I knew about it in advance and had time to prepare.
• Parenthood is about the art of dealing with things as they happen. So is life, for that matter.
• I hate that much of the modern birthing industry is predicated on fear and anxiety. This process is stressing me out. The screening has an accuracy rate of somewhere in the 80th percent. It's a very non-invasive screening, but if the results indicate anything, I will be pushed to undergo much more invasive diagnostic testing (like an amniocentesis, which causes a miscarriage rate of 1 out of 200). If the screening shows something, I will likely undergo anxiety as I wait the requisite amount of time before the next test. If I get that next test, then I'll undergo anxiety as I wait for those results to come back (unless I pay more for the preliminary results).
  
• If the screening comes back fine, I won't have to worry for the rest of my pregnancy.
  
• My midwife argues that there will always be something to worry about when it comes to the health and well-being of my child.
  
• I have to decide pretty much now because the screening is only accurate within a very small range, and I'll be out of town next week.
  
• I am already scared about how difficult it will be to raise a child. I am infinitely more scared about how hard it would be to raise a child with special needs.
  
• I feel guilty for saying that, but it's true.
• I absolutely support a woman's right to choose. However, choosing abortion for myself feels very, very different.
  
• Part of me wants to put all of this behind me and to just hope for the best. Part of me wants to trust that we can handle whatever comes our way. Part of me feels like not getting the screening would be akin to burying my head in the sand. Part of me feels like the baby is fine, so I should get the test and stop worrying about it. Part of me wishes I could just stop worrying about it without the test.
  

I would very much appreciate your perspectives on this...

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First Trimester Reflection

Calendar courtesy of JosStudio on Etsy

I want this to be a well-rounded blog, so I don't want one topic to take center-stage. However, all the other things I could talk about right now (e.g., how I had a craft date with my friend this weekend and I appliqued a dress, how Matt and I celebrated our anniversary, and how I'm working hard to prioritize my to-do list as I head into the new school year) are already planned posts on my other blogs: 2000 Dollar Wedding and EdCatalyst. So what does that leave me with? Pretty much the same thing I talked about yesterday: Pregnancy.

I do apologize for the one-track nature of this blog for two days in a row. Can we just go ahead and make this "Pregnancy Week" on Feeding the Soil?

So I wanted to take some time to reflect on my first trimester of pregnancy. Because Matt and I were tracking my cycle, we can pretty much pinpoint exactly when conception occurred. My midwife says our due date is around February 11, and an online calculator says February 15. I'm actually perfectly fine with a due date range, since I think the idea of trying to pinpoint a single day is pretty absurd. It seems to me like the practice of declaring a specific due date just creates unrealistic expectations and anxiety.

Regardless of my "due date range," I'm starting my 12th week of pregnancy today (that number is based on the 40-week gestational calendar, which starts on the day of your last period, so I'm really only starting my 10th week, if we were using a 38-week calendar).

I wanted to take a minute to echo what many of you mothers already know: the first trimester can be difficult.

I feel kind of guilty even saying that because my version of "difficult" seems to be much less difficult than others. I haven't been besieged by nausea and vomiting, and I've been able to eat more than Saltines. However, I have felt a general queasiness pretty much all day long. I have a complete aversion to leafy greens and pretty much anything else that's healthy, for that matter. When I wrote a post about healthy pregnancy snacks, I was actually only a week or so into my pregnancy when I could still eat healthy things (I was writing posts in real time but scheduling them in advance to cover my vacation time).

And brushing my teeth has been a nightmare. It makes me gag. For awhile, I was only brushing my teeth once a day. I finally switched from my Sonicare back to a regular toothbrush, and that seems to have helped.

I've also had to take a lot of naps. Fortunately, this hasn't been a major inconvenience because I'm on summer vacation (I know--lucky me!). I've experienced a lot of general discomfort (especially in my breasts), so it's been hard for me to sleep well at night (not to mention the frequent trips to the bathroom).

I don't say all of this to whine and complain. I merely wanted to add some realistic chatter to the pregnancy dialogue out there. Before I ever started researching conception, pregnancy, and birth, I was under the misconception that the first trimester was the easiest. I thought it would get progressively harder as the months passed on. I didn't realize that the first trimester brought its own host of difficult challenges.

And I've only mentioned the physical difficulty. For me, there was also psychological difficulty. I was expecting it to take months (or even years) for me to conceive, so I was pretty shocked when we conceived during our first cycle of trying. I had a lot of oh-god-I-can't-believe-this-is-really-happening-I'm-not-really-ready-for-this-but-there's-no-turning-back-holy-crap-I-feel-trapped kinds of feelings.

Fortunately, I can already feel many of my first trimester symptoms starting to fade slightly [insert happy dance!]. There will be new challenges, for sure, so I should definitely head into the second and third trimesters with realistic expectations...

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Pregnancy Project Plan

Wow. There is so much to learn about this whole pregnancy/parenthood thing! For example, I was just over at Offbeat Mama, learning about lochia for the first time.

I think it's so easy focus on learning about the immediate stage you're in and lose sight of the fact that by the time you're in the next stage, there isn't enough time to learn everything you need to know for that stage.

I've been trying to stay one step ahead (learn about conception before trying to conceive; learn about pregnancy while trying to conceive; learn about post-partum infant care while pregnant), but it's hard. I find myself wanting to nap all the time during the first trimester. When I'm awake, I have other work I need to get done.

I'm feeling a project plan coming on. I can't help it. Planning makes me feel better. I know I need to be careful not to overdo it. Pregnancy is a time for rest and reflection, not a time to be an overly-ambitious doing-machine. But when I feel overwhelmed by how much I have to learn or do, it helps me to spread it out over all the available time I have. Let's see:

August:

• Prepare to present a workshop at a conference in September
• Organize our office
• Finish learning all I can about pregnancy
• Relax and rest
  

September:

• Work on Halloween costume
• Organize the bedroom
• Learn about taking care of an infant (breastfeeding, sleeping, bathing)
• Relax and rest

October:

• Plan Matt's birthday present
• Organize the kitchen
• Make holiday decorations
• Continue learning about taking care of an infant
• Relax and rest

November:

• Buy holiday presents
• Organize the living room
• Develop plan for baby's room
• Learn about giving birth
• Relax and rest

December:

• Put up a tree
  
• Organize the dining room
• Start getting stuff for baby's room (including all necessary baby items)
  
• Continue learning about giving birth
• Start making stuff for the baby
• Relax and rest

January:

• Organize the bathroom
• Ask Matt to clean out attic
• Put together baby's room
• Continue learning about giving birth
• Continue making stuff for the baby
• Find a housekeeper for the next couple months
• Relax and rest

February:

• Rest and center myself
• Continue making stuff for the baby

Phew! That list seriously makes me feel better. Each month has a digestible amount of stuff.

Please tell me what items are missing from my to-do list!

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P.S. You can head over to 2000 Dollar Wedding to enter to win a free spot in my upcoming Purposeful Conception course!

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DIY: Chalkboard Window

I finally finished my chalkboard window project. Egad!

Well, it's not really finished, but I did make significant progress.

Here's what I did:

1. Found a cheap old window from an antique store.
2. Cleaned said mirror outside on the grass.
3. Put masking tape around the inside edges to prevent the paint from getting on the outside frame.
4. Painted a couple coats with magnetic paint.
5. Painted a couple coats with chalkboard paint.
6. Took the finished product to Hobby Lobby and asked them to attach picture hanging hardware (which they did for free!).
7. Hung window on wall. Voila!
   

It's not done yet because I would like to attach a little ledge for an eraser and chalk, but I haven't found a good one yet.

My inspiration

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Ribbon-on-Your-Finger Reminder: My Purposeful Conception e-course starts Sunday, August 1. Registration is open to the first 100 participants. Join us for five weeks of information, tips, reflection exercises and prompts, access to interviews, and a community of like-minded kindred spirits who are consciously preparing their minds, bodies, and lives for pregnancy.

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