Talking with Our Children about Sex

It's important for me to try and raise Henry in a way that teaches him to be responsible with his sexuality and to feel proud of his body and himself. 

I found From Diapers to Dating: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children early on, and it has been a valuable resource for me over the past four years. 

I've been implementing these strategies since Henry was born, and I'm happy with his knowledge level and his comfort in talking about things with me. He knows that boys have penises and girls have vaginas, and he knows that babies grow inside of women's uteruses. He loves hearing the story of how my body spent 45 hours trying to push him out because he was perfectly content hanging out in my uterus. 

It's clear that he is comfortable coming to me with questions--which I love and want to continue nurturing for the rest of his life. Sometimes his questions make me uncomfortable, but I plow through, trying to communicate with calm and equilibrium. The other day, he asked me where babies come from, and I reminded him about how the sperm from the man and the egg from the woman come together and the baby starts to grow in the uterus. 

But then he asked, "But how does the sperm get to the egg?"

Gulp. 

I said, "The penis goes into the vagina."

I stopped there because I've learned to just answer a little at a time. Usually Henry is content with a little answer.

It was so interesting to monitor my own level of discomfort. It was SO HARD talking about sex and reproduction with my child. And he's only four! I can imagine how much harder it's going to get as he gets older. It seems counterintuitive because you might think the discomfort comes from how young he is, but I don't think that's it. I think the discomfort comes from the lack of practice I've had with talking about sexuality in open and honest ways.

That's why I want to start now with Henry. I want to practice how to answer his questions without making him uncomfortable. Because I want to encourage him to always come to me with his questions.

Here's what Debra Haffner, the author of From Diapers to Dating, has to say about it:

"Some parents have asked me why it is important to answer preschoolers' questions about where babies come from. After all, what could be wrong about saying, 'You're too young to know this; I'll tell you later'? It's true: Avoiding this question may get you off the hook for the moment, but it also gives your child the message that you don't want to talk to them about sexuality issues. Answering this question simply now lays the foundation for future conversations, and it tells your child that you will teach them about this important question." 

And here are her specific suggestions about how to do it:

First make sure you know what your child is really asking. You could start by asking, "Where do you think you came from?"

Start off with very simple answers, and watch to see if your child is interested in continuing the discussion.

"When two grown-ups love each other, they like to kiss and hug and touch each other in ways that feel good. Sometimes, the man and the woman place the man's penis into the woman's vagina. The man's penis releases sperm into the woman and sometimes a baby begins.

"The important thing at this age is to show your children that you are willing to answer their questions about birth and reproduction." 

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Updating the Environment

There are certain people out in the world (like Kelly Rae) who love rearranging furniture or love spending time getting dressed in the morning. I am not one of these people! I am more of a "set it and forget it" kind of person. I want to find the best way to arrange furniture or decorate my house and then just leave it alone and enjoy it for all of eternity. I want to have a few solid pieces in my closet and then just grab and go in the morning. 

Having children really challenges my first preference. There's no way to "set it and forget it" when it comes to how our homes are arranged when there are young children involved. First they start pulling up on things and you need to make sure everything is appropriate for them to touch. Then they start walking and they can reach even higher. Then they fall in love with opening cabinets and drawers and all hell breaks lose. 

It goes on and on and on. And they grow fast! So readjusting the environment to meet their needs has to happen on a regular basis. 

The most recent adjustment I made to the environment was going through their closets. They outgrow clothing so quickly! I pulled out all of Henry's winter stuff and put it in a container in our "attic" and donated Tate's stuff that was too small. I pulled aside one or two cut baby/toddler things that I just couldn't bear to part with and added them to the boys' memorabilia Tupperware box. 

I find it difficult to make time for this kind of thing, and yet not making time for it can add stress to our lives on a daily basis. When there are two many clothes in the closet, it's harder to find things that actually fit or are actually appropriate for the weather. I'm also trying to be conscious of not letting the clutter accumulate year after year, since we plan to be in this house for a while! 

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My Clothes Are Getting Tight

Oy! It's uncomfortable to feel like you're squeezing into your clothes every day.

My mom's weight has fluctuated her entire life from thin to obese. I have a similar body type and a similar relationship to food (I over-eat if I'm bored or stressed or trying to fill a void in my life), so it's something I pay attention to. 

What's going on in my own life? 

1. I'm not eating a healthy lunch. I think the first thing I need to do is set aside time to actually eat lunch. I'm not doing this, and I need to. I get really busy during the day and run from thing to thing and stuff food into my mouth whenever I can. 
2. I'm eating junk food that's lying around school. It's always easy to find unhealthy snacks laying around a school whenever I'm hungry, and I'm frequently hungry because I'm not eating a full lunch or a snack. I need to be intentional about bringing healthy snacks to work with me each day. 
3. I'm having trouble drinking enough water. I'm going to set the intention of drinking a whole bottle before lunch time, filling up at lunch time, and drinking it throughout the rest of the day.
4. I'm eating homemade cookies multiple times a week. Yes, Matt is now in the habit of making chocolate chip cookies every single week. It's terrible for me! I can muster up the willpower it takes to resist junk food at the grocery store, but I cannot resist homemade baked goods at my own house. 

On the positive side, I'm finally making more time for exercise! I'm going to the YMCA at least once a week and still trying to run at least once on the weekend. 

I'm also going to my dance class once a week this month! 

So I'm going to start by:

• Trying to run for 30-40 minutes at least twice a week.
• Bringing a healthy lunch and snacks to school each day so I can resist the junk food that's all around me.
• Asking Matt to stop making homemade cookies so frequently. 
• Drinking at least 80 ounces of water a day.

I'm feeling pretty good about those concrete next steps. We'll see how they go and what kind of impact they have on helping my clothes fit better! 

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Preparing for the Summer

The other day I had to count the number of school days left for an HR reason, and I realized we were down to 35 days. What?!? There are a whole lot of feelings I have around finishing my first school year at the school I started, but this post is more about the impending summer.

It's almost here! 

There's a lot going on this summer. First, I'll have a three-week vacation at the beginning of June (I didn't take a single day off throughout the entire year, so I will have accumulated 15 days of vacation time). We'll be traveling to Tahoe with Matt's family for a week of it. 

Then I'll be attending the Reflection & Rejuvenation Retreat.

Then Matt and I will be traveling to Puerto Rico for a wedding. 

Phew! 

And before we know it school will be starting again. 

I don't want the summer season to slip away before I've been able to fully embrace it. 

What do I want our days to be like? 

When Matt is working and I'm not, he usually takes the boys for a few hours and then I have them for the rest of the day. So what would be the most fun and relaxing way to spend our days together? Probably swimming in the morning, then putting Tate down for a nap while Henry and I either do an activity together or watch a show (while I nap). And then we can spend the afternoon together:

• Hiking
• Inviting friends over for more swimming
• Playing at the park
• Going to the YMCA together
• Playing in the garden

The traffic is going to be terrible, so we need to stay close to home. 

And what activities can Henry and I do together? I should really seize the opportunity to expand my own hobbies. 

• I've already talked about canning the harvest from our garden. (I purchased this simple kit.)
• It might be fun to sketch and watercolor with Henry. (This book looks interesting.)
• Or clay! This book looks inspiring.
• Or maybe I should get a head start on hand-making presents for people. I've been dying to make these teacup candles for a while.

I would love to simultaneously develop a hobby for myself and teach Henry something new. 

So much to think about!

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Canning?

The garden is blooming! So far, we have the following things planted:

• Tomatoes
• Figs (from last year)
• Pomegranates (from last year)
• Peaches (from last year)
• Pears (from last year)
• Plums (from last year)
• Lemon grass (from last year)
• Rosemary (from last year)
• Bay leaf (from last year)
• Blueberries (from last year)

I think one of my goals for this season is going to be to learn how to can. We definitely won't be able to eat all of the tomatoes we produce during the summer season. Since we eat homemade pizza about 3-4 times a month, I think it would be useful to learn how to can pizza sauce. Any recommendations? What's the easiest and cheapest way to get into canning? 

This recipe looks useful for making pizza sauce to can. But do I really need to peel the tomatoes? That sounds a little too much for me (actually, a lot too much for me).

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REMINDER: The next Purposeful Conception Course: Preparing Your Mind, Body, and Life for Pregnancy starts April 20. Register today! We'd love to have you join us!

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Montessori Practical Life: Four Years-Old

This past weekend, I was in Boulder for a Montessori workshop. It was focused on the concept of "Child Study"--bringing teacher teams together to brainstorm strategies for children who are struggling. 

We practiced the process with a child who has autism. The presenting teacher talked about how much screen time the child gets at home and how it makes it more difficult to pull the child into reality during the school day. 

I definitely try to limit Henry's screen time. I only resort to it if I need to take a nap on the weekend (which, um, is often). I'll pull out the laptop and set him up to watch Caillou, Bob the Builder, or Handy Manny. 

Instead of screen time, I try to fill his days with experiences that let him exercise his five senses and have concrete interactions with the world, especially during this stage of development (from 0-6) when is mind is absorbing the environment and constructing itself significantly. 

I try to fit in as much practical life as possible. Honestly, Henry really only enjoys practical life that is connected to food, so I take what I can get. On Sunday he was hungry for eggs, so he got out the bowl, eggs, compost, whisk, and apron. It's amazing to see how independent he has become since starting in the kitchen around 18 months of age.

Watching him work just reiterated how important it is to build children's independence in the areas of self-care and practical life. The best form of self-confidence comes from feeling competent. 

These kinds of experiences teach so much: multi-step directions, focus, concentration, problem-solving, and critical-thinking. And they result in delicious food!  

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REMINDER: The next Purposeful Conception Course: Preparing Your Mind, Body, and Life for Pregnancy starts April 20. Register today! We'd love to have you join us!

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One-Pot Meals

I'm definitely on a one-pot meal kick. I'm always looking for simple and fast meals for weekday family dinners. 

I know one of you wasn't too impressed with this meal, but it was a big hit with our family. I added way more shredded Parmesan cheese than was recommended, and I think that helped increase the flavor. 

This week we are going to try:

• Broccoli one-pot pasta
• Tomato and basil one-pot pasta
• Orechiette pasta and chickpeas

Yeah, it's a lot of pasta in one week but it is what it is! 

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REMINDER: The next Purposeful Conception Course: Preparing Your Mind, Body, and Life for Pregnancy starts April 20. Register today! We'd love to have you join us!

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