Attachment and Separation
I've been thinking a lot about the relationship between healthy attachment and healthy separation. It started on my daily walks with my neighbor. Her three year-old daughter just started school at our local public Montessori school. They've been doing Montessori in the home for about a year and a half with their daughter and have been actively trying to help her cultivate her independence.
Her daughter hasn't had any difficulty transitioning into a school environment. No tears, no clinging, no resistance whatsoever. My neighbor and I joked that it can kind of hurt your feelings when your child separates so easily.
But it does sting a little when your child doesn't seem to want or need you! For example, we took advantage of our babysitting co-op to go on a date night. I booked inexpensive massages through Group On (note to self: You get what you pay for! Matt's masseuse was completely sketchy--saying things like, "I'm going to make you purr!" and "This massage is either going to make you want to go home and sleep or want to mess around." and "Can you handle the pain? Does it make you want to scream like a little girl?").
We brought Henry to a house he had never been to. As soon as he was finished nursing, he was already trying to climb out of my arms and down to the ground to start playing. When I set him down, he crawled straight to the toys and his new friend. I tried to say goodbye to him and he was too busy chomping on something to acknowledge me.
It's embarrassing to admit, but my feelings were honestly a little hurt. I pour my life into that little boy, and he doesn't even have a little lip quiver when I leave?
After my immediate emotional response, I came to my more rational senses. I reminded myself that I should be celebrating his independence because it's a sign of healthy attachment. I need to be proud of everything we've done to foster attachment, as well as everything we've done to foster independence.
The deeper I get into parenting (which is only six months deep!), the more I realize that the point of healthy attachment with our children is healthy separation. I want Henry's attachment with Matt and me to be a springboard into the world and the place he can come back to as necessary. I don't want it to be his shackles. I don't want to foster attachment and then rely on that attachment to make me feel wanted or needed as an individual. I honestly believe the best thing I can do for Henry is let him know I love him but then let him go as he tries to venture off into the world.
Her daughter hasn't had any difficulty transitioning into a school environment. No tears, no clinging, no resistance whatsoever. My neighbor and I joked that it can kind of hurt your feelings when your child separates so easily.
But it does sting a little when your child doesn't seem to want or need you! For example, we took advantage of our babysitting co-op to go on a date night. I booked inexpensive massages through Group On (note to self: You get what you pay for! Matt's masseuse was completely sketchy--saying things like, "I'm going to make you purr!" and "This massage is either going to make you want to go home and sleep or want to mess around." and "Can you handle the pain? Does it make you want to scream like a little girl?").
We brought Henry to a house he had never been to. As soon as he was finished nursing, he was already trying to climb out of my arms and down to the ground to start playing. When I set him down, he crawled straight to the toys and his new friend. I tried to say goodbye to him and he was too busy chomping on something to acknowledge me.
It's embarrassing to admit, but my feelings were honestly a little hurt. I pour my life into that little boy, and he doesn't even have a little lip quiver when I leave?
After my immediate emotional response, I came to my more rational senses. I reminded myself that I should be celebrating his independence because it's a sign of healthy attachment. I need to be proud of everything we've done to foster attachment, as well as everything we've done to foster independence.
The deeper I get into parenting (which is only six months deep!), the more I realize that the point of healthy attachment with our children is healthy separation. I want Henry's attachment with Matt and me to be a springboard into the world and the place he can come back to as necessary. I don't want it to be his shackles. I don't want to foster attachment and then rely on that attachment to make me feel wanted or needed as an individual. I honestly believe the best thing I can do for Henry is let him know I love him but then let him go as he tries to venture off into the world.
Posts
15 comments:
Lovely post. And props on your intense self-reflection! Have you read Louise Kaplan's Oneness and Separateness: from infant to individual? It's right up this alley.
You sound like such a nice thoughtful mom; Henry is lucky to have you.
But also: he's only 6 months, which is still a little young for him to have developed stranger anxiety. I bet in a few months, he won't be so easy going when you leave!
I really like this post. I've been thinking a lot about how to foster independence in children as I'm pregnant with our first (due in March). This is something I think my parents did a great job with, and I'm curious about how they balanced the fear and set their own feelings aside to do what was best for us in the long run.
As a side note, while I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time, I really enjoyed the quotes from Matt's masseuse. Ridiculous!
I think a goal of attachment parenting is raising independent children. henry knew you would be back so he wasn't terrified of being left alone. Good job!
Not really the point of this post, but I've had nothing but wonderful experiences with Groupon - I think they would want to know about this masseuse! Their customer service is excellent.
It seems like one of the biggest challenges in parenting is letting go of your own needs. You did choose to have kids to satisfy some need in yourself, after all, so it's difficult to let those needs go in favor of your child's development.
Well spoken and well shared (and thank goodness for blogs for offering a place to work these ideas out!).
(And I too am horrified/amused by that masseuse story! Yikes!)
Oh my gosh! What a *memorable* massage. Definitely something to laugh about later but UGH.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, this is a great post.
Sara - I'm sorry Matt had to go through that massage, but that story is pretty funny!
oops - that last comment was from. i guess andrew was already signed in.
6 months is too young to make strange. Give it a couple more months---9-10 is prime time.
Hi, All! I'll definitely give you an update when he hits the 9 month-mark. Maybe he'll develop "stranger danger" then. The pedi said he would get it when he started crawling, since it was the first time he could independently move away from us. At that time, he did develop a little more anxiety. If I set him down right when we got to a new place, he would erupt in tears. Now I hold him for a minute or so while he looks around, and then he's ready to go.
@ April: I haven't read that book. I'll have to look into it. Thanks for the recommendation!
Re: Matt's massage. Yeah, it was pretty sketchy but completely hilarious (for me, at least).
Hey Sara! Greetings from Kerala!
My pastor and dear friend, Patti, once told me that parenting all about figuring out the right timing for "letting go" in all matter of situations...if you do it too soon, your kids won't be ready to face the world...if you hang on to them too long, well, clingy parents can make kids rebel or become resentful. It's a hard balance to strike, I think.
About the massage. Reminds me of what another friend told me once: "There are certain things that you should not go budget: sushi, prostitutes, and bungee-jumping." He had a bad experience with 2-for-1 bungee-jumping deal, where his harness didn't fit quite right. I think we'll have to add massages to the list...
One more note for you - the brown dress I bought in Houston has been a GREAT travel dress for this trip. I think of you every time I wear it!
It's completely normal to have more anxiety around 9-10 months - just don't worry that Henry's losing his independence if he seems to like strange situations less than he used to!
My son Felix was SO independent and now he cries when I leave the room (11 months)!
Don't worry, at this age it's a sign that he's secure.
This just means you've done a great job. You are probably familiar with Erikson's theories of identity development. I have utilized his work a lot in my work as a child/family therapist. Part of developing trust in the first two years is building that confidence that he can be left, have fun and mom will come back for him. Thanks for sharing this- I think a lot of parents feel similar.
Post a Comment