Stopping at Two Children

I know I might not sound like a reliable source when I say that Matt and I are done after two children, since we used to think we only wanted one child and then switched our minds. But, really, I think we mean it this time.

There are many reasons why two--not three--children make sense for us. First, I think we're going to be at capacity with two children. With each passing day as Henry becomes more verbal, more interactive, and more independent, Matt and I find that our joy is increasing exponentially. We anticipate that welcoming another infant into our lives (although we are over-the moon with gratitude) will re-introduce a lot of challenge back into our lives. Of course we will accept that challenge as part and parcel of expanding one's family, but we're not eager to repeat it a third time. We're excited to have another little walking, talking human being who expresses his personality through jokes, questions, preferences, and comments. We're eager to play board games and do science experiments and undertake sewing projects together. It's already scary enough thinking about shifting the ratio of adults to children from 2:1 to 2:2 or--frequently--1:2.

There are also financial considerations for us. Matt and I both work in the non-profit world, but we want to have plenty of money for traveling, turning our home into a sanctuary, eating out, and sending our children through college without the burden of debt.

There are philosophical and environmental considerations like not contributing to population growth and not wanting to need a bigger car or a bigger house to comfortably fit everyone.

There are physical considerations, like the fact that I'm already 35 (although my mother had my brother when she was 38), and I'm eager to have my own body back. I was pregnant with Henry for 9 months + breastfed him for 14 months + got pregnant right away for another two or so months + suffered a miscarriage + had three months to myself + got pregnant again. I've got another 1.5 months of pregnancy to go, an impending labor, and at least a year of breastfeeding. Of course all of this is worth it to bring life into the world (and I constantly count my lucky stars that I've been able to get pregnant three times), but I'm eager to reclaim my body. I want to run again, fit into regular clothes, be able to eat fried foods occasionally (when I'm pregnant, I suffer from choleostasis and have to be super-gentle on my liver), and sleep on my back (or stomach!).

Again, I don't mean to sound like these minor inconveniences aren't worth the privilege and opportunity to bring a person into the world and provide the kind of nurturing environment and love that helps them unfold into their enormous potential. It's just that going through it twice (three times, if you count the miscarriage) feels right for me. 

I also have other things that I want to give birth to in this world, like a network of public Montessori schools and more books. 

I was shocked when my midwife said that many of her clients end up back in her office, accidentally pregnant with their third children. Matt and I definitely don't want that to happen to us. Right now we're exploring vasectomy as a non-hormonal, permanent form of birth control. We wouldn't be able to afford it until after my maternity leave is over and I'm back at work, but it's definitely something we're considering. 

I want to reiterate that all of our reasons for stopping at two are not judgments against families who stop at one or continue to five or opt not to have children in the first place. I also want to acknowledge how difficult it must be to read posts like this if you're struggling with fertility or miscarriage or are working really hard to adopt.

There are times (like when I'm reading Soule Mama) when I idealize a larger family. But at the end of the day, we have to be honest with ourselves about what we want and what makes sense for us.

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