Implementing a Routine

There are many divisive topics within the realm of parenting, and deciding whether or not to nudge your child into a routine is one of them. I continue to talk about this topic because I think dialogue about the most controversial topics is particularly helpful. Even reading something that we disagree with helps us clarify our own thinking and choices. At the end of the day, how we parent is a choice that each of us makes based on what we think is best for our children and what will leave us feeling proud of ourselves as parents. Those choices are definitely going to vary from parent to parent, child to child.

In short, I share my thinking simply to contribute to the dialogue and peel back the layers of my logic--not in an attempt to try and convince anyone that our choices should be their choices.

I've written a lot about my first three weeks with Henry and how it was difficult to read his cues and discern what he needed and when. That's when my friend introduced me to the book Baby Wise, and I learned about the basic routine of Eat, Play, Sleep every 2.5-3 hours. The simple concept had such a positive impact on our interactions with Henry. When he woke up from a nap, I would feed him. Then he would have a short period of activity time, during which I would watch for clues of fatigue (namely yawns). If he started crying then, my first response would be to help him get to sleep (rather than feed him). If he woke up before 2.5-3 hours, my first response would be to try and soothe him back to sleep (rather than feed him), which generally worked. If it didn't work, then I would see if he was crying from hunger. This kind of routine helped us to better anticipate and therefore meet Henry's needs. For us, "scheduling" is not in opposition to "on demand." Both Henry and Tate get to eat when they want to eat; it's just that we consider where we are in the schedule when deciding what to offer first.

Plus, with Henry, a routine had the added benefit of providing a structure to our days and lives. For example, I could make sure to shower daily simply by setting Henry up for activity time in the bathroom right after a feeding. Also, Matt and I could continue to enjoy things like going out to dinner. I would feed Henry, Henry would have his awake time in the car, and then we would let Henry sleep in the Moby wrap while we enjoyed our meal.

We quickly realized that implementing a routine felt like the best way to meet everyone's needs. Our parenting approach is very much about looking at the family as a system.

Throughout Henry's life, we constantly watch for signs that the routine needs to change to meet his changing needs. We make adjustments as necessary. For us, the routine is part of what helps Henry feel secure and safe.

We knew that we wanted to nudge Tate into a routine, as well, so I read a couple different books before his birth. I liked the advice in Baby Wise, which is to not worry about a routine in the first two weeks. However, we quickly found that Tate's natural inclination was to sleep all day and then wake up every hour all night long to make up all the feedings he missed during the day. We also learned that Tate uses the same signals to indicate that he's tired and hungry.

Very early on, we decided to try waking him up every three hours during the day for a feeding to see whether that would impact his sleeping during the night. It had an immediate effect. When we helped him fit in feedings during the day, he then stopped waking up every hour at night (and instead stretched it out from 2.5-3 hours). Because we immediately saw positive effects, we decided to continue with that approach for the first two weeks.

At the end of the second week, I took Henry and Tate to church (Matt had a soccer game), and I met a woman who used The Contented Baby to get her daughter on a schedule for the first year of life. She explained that the book provided detailed schedules that changed frequently throughout the year.

I decided to download the Kindle version (Editor's Note: I just discovered the Kindle app, which makes breastfeeding so much more fun!). I appreciated the level of detail in each of the schedules, and I appreciated that they changed frequently throughout the year to match the child's changing needs. We implemented the schedule for a couple days, but Tate didn't really seem to like the "split feeding" concept, and I didn't like the way the schedules significantly decreased the amount of nap time throughout the first year. The schedules didn't seem aligned with the kind of sleep that Henry wanted/needed during his first year.

That's when I found my way back to my post about baby routines and decided to try out the routine from the Baby Whisperer. So far, Tate seems to be doing really well with it. It follows the same Eat-Play-Sleep pattern every three hours. Tate wakes up twice to eat between 10pm and 7am.

For Matt's and my personalities, knowing generally what to expect and when to expect it helps a lot. It's easier for Matt to fit in a run when we know that Tate is highly likely going to be sleeping for the next hour and 45 minutes. I can schedule work phone calls during expected nap times, and I can shower every morning after Tate's first feeding of the day. He eats really well during the feeding times and falls asleep quickly when we start to put him down for naps.

It's definitely a lot harder to adhere to a routine with a second baby because it requires a lot of time at home. In general, I'm able to implement it every day during the week, but the weekends are much more difficult. Tate doesn't nap nearly as well when we are out and about, so it's easy for him to get over-tired on the weekends. We're hoping that our approach with Tate leads to the same results that it has with Henry. Henry is a great sleeper (he definitely has his difficulties--especially when it comes to napping on the weekends these past couple months), but in general he goes down easily and sleeps well. I know every child is different, so we'll see what happens with Tate.

Definitely feel free to chime in with your thoughts on what works for your family. I appreciated the discussion we had about these issues a couple months ago!

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