How to Raise Children Who Aren’t Entitled

Or at least: “Things we are trying in order to not raise entitled children.”

My children are doing a lot of things lately that I don’t like. They sigh if I ask them to do something (or try to flat out refuse).

Meanwhile, I’m reading Little House on the Prairie and marveling at how much work the children do to contribute to the home.

First I got the idea to create a more specific chore chart so that it was very clear to Henry and Tate what their responsibilities were and how they would grow over time (since part of the problem was that Henry was frequently complaining that Tate didn’t have to do things that he did).

But once we had that idea, it started morphing into something else. We started operating with this mindset instead: When Matt and I are doing work to support our family, our children should be, too. When that work is done, we can all relax and enjoy our leisure time. Just like Little House on the Prairie!

We are only a week into it, but so far it feels so good! When it’s time to clean up after dinner, for example, Matt asks for a “kitchen helper” and I ask for a “house helper.” The kitchen helper helps wash dishes and load the dishwasher. The house helper helps me restore the house, wipe down the dining table, get the bath ready, etc.

The morning routine is the same with Matt. While he’s getting breakfasts ready, the boys are working, too. They are feeding Hoss, helping with breakfast, etc.

There’s still a little bit of whining, but more than that our boys are starting to show a change in their attitudes. They actually volunteer to help even more, and they say sweet things like, “I’ll help you do that, Tate.”

It’s a mindset shift for us to think that our children should be helping instead of playing. We definitely value free play and want our children to have time to decompress, but I think it gives them a warped view of the world if they are doing that while we are working to support the house. We are all a family, and we should work together to contribute to the functioning of that family. The specific things that people do vary depending on a person’s age and abilities, but the amount of time is the same. And in the same way that self-directed free play is good for development, so is doing chores (or “family contributions,” as we call them). They are learning to follow multi-step directions, building fine- and gross-motor skills, strengthening executive function, learning that they are important to the overall functioning of the home, and realizing that they do not exist to be served by others.

It’s definitely more difficult to require them to work alongside us, but I think the benefits will be worth it in the long run! 

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