More Updates: Building a Community

Initially, I had big plans for building a community in Austin. I wanted to buy two acres of land and sell off pieces of it to friends. When I talked to a developer about the idea, he scoffed and asked, "Do you know how hard it is to develop land in Austin?" (due to all the regulations, added expense of bringing utilities and water to the houses, etc.). That's when I started thinking about the "N Street" model of cohousing where adjacent neighbors start tearing down their fences (although in my modified version, we would buy and build upon adjacent lots).

During that time, I met a man who had bought an acre of land in Austin, built a house upon it, and then subdivided the remaining half acre into three lots (each 6,000 square feet). His vision was nearly identical to my own, but we disagreed on the drug use issue, so it didn't feel like the right fit for our family.

We went back to searching for adjacent lots in a pre-existing neighborhood and exploring other options, such as living in a planned community, moving into a regular neighborhood and facilitating community, etc.

Meanwhile, our realtor kept looking for vacant lots. I would dutifully drive by the ones she really liked. While on one of those journeys, I came across a really neat little pocket of East Austin. It's not too far off the main roads, and yet it feels like the country with cows and horses. There are two-acre plots of land for sale that seem pretty reasonable.

I keep going back to the original vision. What if Matt and I could afford to buy one of those 2-acre plots and build a house on it? Yes, it would stretch us a ton initially, but, over time, we could get the land officially subdivided and sell off the other pieces. Plus, in a couple years, my salary will most likely increase when I transition from part-time back to full-time employment as a school principal.

We're still thinking, thinking. We're asking a lot of questions, exploring different options, and seeing what feels right. We're not in a rush, except that interest rates are just so low right now.

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Kahlil Gibran: On Children

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

------------------------

This poem. This poem resonates with me so deeply. It's hard to articulate what gets me every time about this poem. There's the part about children being "Life's longing for itself." I am astounded when I think about a simple sperm and egg coming together to create an entire being that continues to grow into a walking, talking, independent person.

And there's just the overwhelming message that our children are who they are. They are their own seeds that already contain everything within them. As parents, our job is to provide the right environment--the nutrient-rich soil, sun, water, and oxygen--so that they can sprout and unfold and grow into their fullest potential. We cannot determine that potential, nor should we try to steer it; we should simply help them uncover who they are and who they want to be.

It's the selflessness of parenting that gets me every time, too. The image of being bent so that my child can shoot forth into the world is the perfect metaphor for the way parenthood feels to me.

I just felt compelled to share this poem--as much for you as for me--so that I can continue to hold these truths in my heart

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Book Club

I'm going to a parenting book club this month, and the book is Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation. For any of you who live in Austin and want to join, you can find the information here.

Here's the description of the book:

Have you ever opened your mouth to discipline your child, and your parents' nastiest words tumble out? In an era when most parenting books focus on the child, this book supports parents in dealing more positively with themselves as well as their toddler–to–school–age children, offering specific tools to stop policing and pleading with kids and start being the parents we want to be.

Based on Dr. Bailey's more than 25 years of work with children, this book explains that how we discipline ourselves is ultimately how we discipline our children. Her "Seven Powers for Self–Control" dramatically increase our ability to keep our cool with our children. These correspond to "Seven Basic Discipline Skills" we can use with our children in conflict situations. As children internalise these skills, they naturally learn "Seven Values for Living," which include integrity, respect, compassion, and responsibility.

While I was looking for the description, I came across this book that looks interesting, too: I Love You Rituals. I'm going to get both of them from the library.

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Meal Planning

Last week was a really rough week for the Cotner-Bradford family in the kitchen. Basically, we never went grocery shopping (although Matt did pick up a few items at one point), so we ate out every night. Since I've been thinking that I need to eat more moderately, my overwhelming impulse was to eat junk food all week, before I officially started eating healthy food (terrible personal philosophy, I know!). We literally had veggie burgers, french fries, and milkshakes more than once. Since Henry has been eating everything we eat (from about eight-months on), I feel twice as bad about eating unhealthy foods because now I'm not only corrupting my body, I'm corrupting his, too.

Ugh.

But there's no need to dwell in self-flagellation. It's time to make some action steps!

I need to get back to using Meals for a Year to do my weekly meal planning. I strayed from using it because it was difficult to look at the shopping list on my iPhone, and plus some of the meals didn't sound super-appealing. Both of those things are such easy fixes. I hate when a problem could be easily solved with five minutes of work but I put it off and put it off for days, weeks, or even months.

My easy solutions:

1. Print the list each week. I should do this when I'm sitting down to make my Weekly Action Plan. I can shrink two pages to fit on one sheet.
   
2. If there's a meal that doesn't sound appealing, I can simply choose one of our easy, go-to meals to replace it.
   

What I love about Meals for a Year is that it exposes me to all sorts of new recipes, and it takes the work out of meal planning every single week. My intention is to use it all year long and keep track of our favorite recipes. At the end of the year, I can sit down and compile all of our favorites into four seasonal meal plans. I would create a meal plan for an entire month, and we would rotate through it three times before switching to the next season's meal plan.

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Reflection & Rejuvenation: April

From the Nikki McClure Calendar

How does each month come and go so quickly? Sheesh!

This month has been good. I appreciated Katharina's comment about how it takes her about six months to transition to a new city. Although the impatient part of me hates to hear that, I think she's right.

Henry started daycare this month, which was great except that he got sick and had to stay home on and off for the first two weeks of April. It wouldn't have been a big deal except that I had planned a boatload of meetings for Magnolia Montessori For All. Our main babysitter was out of town, so Matt and I had to scramble to cover the sick days. We did a decent job of it, except that once I had to bring Henry to a meeting with me (he was still in his snot-covered pajamas). Needless to say, the woman I met with is not interested in joining our board of directors...

Although he still has a constant drip, he is going to "school" every day and he honestly seems to love it. Matt drops him off in the morning, and I pick him up at 12:30. When I pick him up, he frankly doesn't seem to care that I'm there. He keeps playing with his friends (although he will occasionally stop, come over to give me a hug, and then start playing again). I feel so, so thankful that I was able to stay home with him full-time for an entire year, and now we're able to transition slowly back to work and away from family with this part-time schedule. It feels perfect for our family (even though it was hard on me internally).

Today is officially my first day at my new part-time job as the Director of Operations and Compliance at a charter school opening in East Austin this fall. I've been volunteering in this capacity since last fall, but I am finally starting this job for real. It feels great! I'll work five hours a day, four days a week and then devote the fifth day to getting Magnolia Montessori For All up and running. Good times!

Let's see how I did this month:

• Complete the Vision and Business Plan for Magnolia Montessori For All: No, I have not completed these, but I did take good steps in the right direction.
  
• Pull together a Montessori design team to help revise the charter application: Same answer as above.
  
• Present at a Texas Montessori conference: Wow, was that seriously this month? Craziness! It feels so long ago!
  
• Get business cards designed and printed: Yes!
  
• Finish our taxes: Yes!
  
• Change our address for everything (including license): Yes!
  
• Completely finish unpacking the house: Oops, no.
  
• Run at least four times a week: Got better but not consistent.

Okay, that felt pretty dismal. There's no need to feel bad about it, but I do need to stay focused on why I'm not achieving my goals and what I can do about it. It's important for me to trust that I can set out to do something and then actually accomplish it. It's such an empowering feeling.

I also want to take a second to acknowledge all the things I accomplished that I didn't set out to do:

• Attended a training about how to start a charter school.
• Toured a Montessori school for Henry and attended a parenting education class.
• Met with friends for various lunches and dinners.
  
• Brought a friend a meal to celebrate her new baby.
• Had 15 meetings.

So, April, what do you have in store for me (let me go back to my yearly goals to see what I want to accomplish)?

• Read Good to Great as my professional development book this month
  
• Work on the book I'm writing with Kylie about cooking with children in a Montessori way.
• Work on charter school application.
• Participate in Austin Earth Day event.
• Design marketing materials for Magnolia Montessori For All.
• Submit Form 1023 to become a tax-exempt nonprofit organization.
• Read either Every Last Cuckoo or Charms for the Easy Life. I need to start reading fiction again!
  
• Organize the garage.

All right. Off I go!

What are your intentions this month?

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Update: Building a Community

It's been a while since I've shared an update on how my effort to build a pocket community in Austin is going. Last I mentioned, we had our sights set on seven adjacent lots in a pre-existing neighborhood. Three of the lots weren't buildable, due to floodplain issues, but we would have been able to use them for gardening. The lots back up to 30 acres of City of Austin park land (with a proposed hike-and-bike trail running through it!). The neighborhood is only three miles east of downtown. A huge neighborhood park (with a public swimming pool) is right around the corner.

The coolest part is that we even found a couple (with a baby due in June) to buy one of the plots. They are super-awesome people and would make fantastic neighbors. The timing was perfect for all of us.

We finally got the seller to agree to an expensive and comprehensive survey of the property, so we could have clear data about floodplain issues, trees, set-backs, etc. Once the data came back, we trekked to the Development Assistance Center to sit down with a consultant from the city. He promptly informed us that the land was entirely unbuildable because it all lies in the floodplain.

Womp. Womp.

At that point, the other couple found an awesome house and put an offer down, so now we're back to square one. Honestly, I'm feeling okay about where we are in this process. First of all, I no longer have a clear sense of where I really want to put down roots (neither does Matt). I want Henry's circle of independence to get larger and larger as he grows up, but we're only going to feel comfortable with that if we live in a relatively safe neighborhood. Also, I'm having some feelings of consternation about contributing to the gentrification of East Austin. Also, trying to corral people who are interested in community (and who have a timeframe that perfectly aligns with our own) is very difficult.

I'm starting to realize that making this dream happen by the end of 2012 probably won't work out, and I'm making peace with that realization. Henry's new Montessori school (which he will attend for at least the next two school years) is right up the road. If we moved to another part of town right now, it would be a major pain to get him to school in the mornings and pick him up in the afternoons.

Right now we're just keeping ourselves open to possibility. We're meeting new friends, talking with different people about various neighborhoods, and generally exploring. It definitely makes sense for us. It also means that it will be easy for us to pay for the ridiculously high costs of Montessori childcare and private school (since we have money from the sale of our house in Houston).

That's another thing I really want to keep in mind as we contemplate our next move: I want us to be sure that we don't stretch ourselves too thin. Who knows what the future holds? One of us may lose our job, want to go back to graduate school, decide to stay home with a second baby--the possibilities go on and on! Plus, we want to be able to save money for traveling and retirement. It will probably be very difficult for me to settle for a more modest house (especially because Austin is such an expensive place to buy a home), but it will be important in the long-run to maintain flexibility and security for our family.

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Getting a Baby to Sleep Through the Night

Or Getting Our Baby to Sleep Through the Night
Or How We Got Our Baby to Sleep Through the Night (We Think)

Kylie's recent posts about sleep inspired me to share our story about sleeping. I wrote this lengthy post early on in the process, but I wanted to share some updates. I think figuring out the sleep situation is one of the most difficult parts of being new parents. First and foremost, you absolutely want to do what is best for your child, but you may also want to help your new family reach equilibrium as quickly as possible, which can include helping your child learn how to sleep through the night. Matt and I were both equally committed to helping Henry sleep through the night (as soon as it was healthy and safe for him to do so) because we are both much better people when we've had sufficient rest (and better parents).

In the early days, weeks, and months when Henry simply wasn't biologically ready to sleep through the night, we tried to put a bunch of systems in place to help us feel more rested. We would go to bed early and wake up later, plus I would try to take a nap at least once a day while Henry was napping.

At our first doctor's visit, our European pediatrician (whom we adore and trust) gave us the following advice:

• Don't try any sort of sleep training before four months. Babies aren't ready for it. But try to finish by six months because after that it gets much more difficult.
  
• At two months, babies should be able to sleep 6 hours without eating in the night. At four months, they should go 8-10 hours, and at six months they should go 10-12.
  

We stopped co-sleeping with Henry at two months. When he would wake up in the night, Matt and I would alternate who would go in. If it was earlier than the amount of time our pediatrician recommended, we would soothe Henry back to sleep without feeding him (unless he persisted and seemed truly hungry--then we fed him). This strategy helped him sleep longer and longer stretches, since he wasn't always expecting to be fed. When he was four months-old, we went on a two-week road trip to New Mexico and Colorado. He slept terribly! He woke up all night long. I finally ended up pulling him into the bed and just feeding him all night.

Once we got home from that trip, we waited for his sleeping to get back to normal. We found that he was waking up more than ever. We were more tired than we had ever been. We finally decided to try a modified version of the "cry it out" method. The first time he cried, we would wait for five minutes and then go to him to pick him up and put him back on his Montessori floor bed with a pacifier. If he still cried, we would wait ten more minutes and then repeat. Then we would wait 15 minutes and repeat (and continue every 15 minutes). The first night, he woke up three times, cried a bit (but not an overwhelming, fearful cry), and then went back to sleep. The second night, it happened twice. The third night it happened once. Since then, he's been sleeping from 7:30pm to 7am.

The main exception is when he's sick. He didn't get sick much at all the first year, but now that he's in daycare he gets sick frequently. If he's sick we go in right away instead of letting him cry and make his congestion worse.

A few other things we did (although I have no idea if they actually helped him sleep through the night):

• In the early days of breastfeeding, we encouraged him to take full meals instead of snacking (for example, if he started to fall asleep after drinking just a little, I would brush his cheek or rub his back to wake him up.
• We keep Henry on a pretty consistent nap schedule (although his changing needs dictate when those naps are--it changes every couple months), and we try to honor his nap schedule by being home when it's time for him to nap.

I think transitioning Henry to his own bed, following the pediatrician's advice about how long Henry could go without milk in the night, adhering to a consistent nap schedule, and being okay with letting Henry cry a little (plus his personality thrown in) have all coalesced to help Henry sleep through the night. I am so thankful for the specific advice given to us by our pediatrician. I will definitely attempt to follow this advice again, if we have a second child.

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