I Can See Clearly Now

On Friday night I was e-mailing back and forth with a friend of mine from college who serves as the volunteer IT service provider for the school I'm working to start. Our website is experiencing a glitch, and she was helping me sort it out. We finally realized I needed more storage area on the server. Rather than purchase more, I was asking her if there was anything we could delete. The thing taking up the most space was my old wedding website (not 2000 Dollar Wedding, but our actual site for guests). I asked her to give me a chance to read through out one last time before she deleted it. 

You guys, I used to be fun! I used to be interesting! Reading over my old bio reminded me that I used to have hobbies! I used to sew and collect things and read. 

And now? Right now I wake up (and cuddle with all three boys for about 15-20 minutes every day which is very awesome and sometimes we have dance parties--Tate really starts bouncing when the music is on) and then get ready for the day. I frantically try to pick up clutter that I was too tired to clean up the night before. Then I work non-stop from 7:30am-3:30pm (or 5pm, depending on the day). And then it's the dinner/bath/walk around the neighborhood/story time/breastfeeding blitz. And then it's 7:30pm and both boys are asleep and I frantically work until 10:00pm or 10:30pm because I have to get to sleep because Tate wakes up several times in the night. 

And it's five of those days back-to-back (punctuated with frequent evening events, like board meetings, from 7-9pm). And, honestly, the weekends are harder than the weeks because at least we have childcare help Monday-Friday. 

But! (I promise this is not another whiny post). I am starting to see the faintest glimmer of light at the other side of this tunnel. Tate is finally starting to sleep consistently from 7:30pm to 6am or 6:30am. If I go to bed at 10pm or 10:30pm, I can get eight hours of sleep. What?!? (Let's overlook the fact that once he FINALLY started sleeping through the night, I got 150 bug bites--chiggers, maybe?--and was up all night trying to resist the urge to itch). But that's besides the point. 

My baby (who will only be a "baby" for one more month!) is finally sleeping through the night and I am regaining my brain capacity (slowly but surely). 

When I was pregnant with Henry, I remember my midwife telling me that I just needed to make it through the first year. Since I tend to be an over-achiever, I figured that it would get easier for us before the year mark. I knew that I would force myself to nap when Henry napped and that I would intentionally reduce my workload in order to accommodate the new stress in our life. 

But she was right. And I was way wrong. It actually took me 16 months to get adjusted (but who's counting?). 

So we are coming up on the year mark with number two. This time around, we knew that we would be pushed to the very edge of our capacity. And it hasn't actually been that bad. But I'm still glad this part is almost over. 

Don't get me wrong; I am cherishing as many moments as I can. When Henry asks me to talk to him while he's pooping on the toilet, I sit in there (breathing through my mouth), knowing that the day will come (all too soon) when he is locking me out of the bathroom. They are too precious. This time is too fleeting. The days are long, but the years are short. 

But in the meantime, I want to reclaim the aspects of myself that are important to me and carry them next to me as I move through my days as a mother and a full-time+ worker. I think this newfound sleep is going to help a ton. Additionally, Tate and I are getting close to wrapping up breastfeeding. At eleven months, we are only nursing first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I am already enjoying this slow process of reclaiming my freedom and my body. So as I set goals for myself each month, I really want to focus on what I need in my life on a daily/weekly/monthly/yearly basis in order to fill fulfilled as a human being. 

I know I'm never going to be the same person that I was before children, but I want to reclaim those parts of myself that have gotten lost in the new mother hustle. I'm looking forward to it! 

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Encouraging Reading

I feel so fortunate that Henry loves reading right now. I know that may not always be the case, so I try to encourage it while he loves it. We read to him every night before bed, but we also read to him at various times during the day if he asks for it. I even read him the same book over and over if he requests it (I figure he's getting something out of the repetition--even though it drives me bonkers!). 

We go to the library every one to two weeks. I urge him toward non-fiction and realistic fiction, since he's three and is still trying to understand the real world. It's actually pretty easy right now. He wheels in his little suitcase full of his books, returns all of the previous one, and then sets up his suitcase on a table. I pull a book off the shelf and ask, "How about this one?" I select them based on his interests, so he typically says yes and then takes it to his suitcase. While he's going there and back, I'm searching the shelf for another appropriate book. 

We have one basket for library books and one basket for books he owns. Beyond that, we store the rest of his books in the closet. On a nightly basis, he likes to trade one of his old books for a new book. 

We accidentally stumbled upon Daddy Does in our collection (from my teaching days), and I realized that Henry is ready to memorize pattern books and "read" to others. He is not using letter-sound correspondence at all, but he is practicing how to hold the book the right way, flip the pages correctly, and understand that each page contains words that need to be read. 

I took a chance and ordered these pattern books, and Henry loves them. We've started a third basket of books that he knows how to "read." I read him one and then he reads me one out of his basket. He also keeps some of them on the toilet, which is adorable. 

I'm really picky about early readers. I can't stand phonetic books that try to isolate a particular sound but end up with a story that doesn't make any sense. Children need to learn from the very beginning that reading should make sense and when it doesn't it probably means they need to reread to fix their comprehension. I would much rather have Henry practice phonics in a more isolated way (Montessori is great at this), while simultaneously providing Henry with whole reading experiences that teach him to read for meaning. When he "reads" his pattern books, he relies heavily on the pictures, which is actually a great strategy for young readers to learn. He's also learning that sentences need to make sense grammatically. The third piece he needs to learn is letter-sound correspondence. Then hopefully he'll be able to put everything together. 

The other thing we've been doing lately is cloze reading. I'll read several words in a sentence and then pause for Henry to say the next word. It's a way for children to practice reading for meaning because their guesses should be directly connected to the context clues. I started doing it for fun, and Henry loves it. He's already really engaged when we read, but it's amazing to see how closely he's paying attention. And I do think it helps him "monitor for meaning while reading" and "think critically and analytically about text and content." The things he remembers from books blow my mind. I started experimenting to see what he remembers from books we've already read, and when I read "Astronauts need to go to _______," he said, "college." 

They have the most amazing absorbent minds! 

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Tate's First Birthday Party

Tate is almost one. Wow!

It's time to start party planning. I'm excited to celebrate this little guy.

So far we've kept all of Henry's birthday parties simple with a little celebration at home. I think that's the route we'll go again.

Time: 

• 11:30am-2:30pm is his most vibrant awake time during the day, and it's perfect for serving lunch. Then again, it might be more fun to have an afternoon/evening party, since it will be a little cooler outside and we could move out to the deck. 

Activities:

Tate loves being outside, so I do think an evening/dinner party would be fun. 

• Baby pool
• Bubbles
• Hose + dirt = mud fun for the three year-olds

Food:

I think the best part of Tate's birthday will be preparing for it with Henry. What kinds of things could we make together? 

• Homemade lemonade
• Birthday cake, of course, with a giant one made out of blueberries? 
• Feta, pesto, and cherry tomato pasta? 
• And maybe macaroni and cheese?
• Garlic bread? 
• Fruit kabobs? 

Extras:

• Hang our birthday banner
• Set out Tate's first-year scrapbook (better finish it!)
• Set out Skin So Soft for people who want a little protection from the mosquitoes
• Make a cardboard 1 for a group photo (which Henry can help paint, and it will be faster than making a piñata!)
• Oh, balloons. I think Tate will get a kick out of those.  

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Summer Schedule

Summer is upon us! 

Several months ago, Matt and I were brainstorming what to do with Henry for the summer. We still have a nanny for Tate (which is awesome because I work from home right now while the site is being prepared for the school). I really wanted some kind of nature-based camp, but a) it's hard to find something for three year-olds and b) I had a such a negative experience with his first daycare experience, that I'm cautious about where he spends his days. It's so hard to know how a childcare facility will handle conflict between children. First and foremost, I want my children to feel safe. I don't want a childcare facility to reinforce the idea that my child should "stick up" for himself. 

At his last conference with his Montessori teacher, I asked her what she thought was the best way for a three year-old to spend the summer. Her first recommendation was that we stay home with him. When I told her that wasn't an option, she recommended that he stay home with the nanny. 

The truth is, I think Henry is going to love being at home this summer. It's been harder and harder for him to want to go to school in the morning because he has to leave behind me, Tate, the nanny, and my co-workers every day. I like the idea of giving him a long, leisurely summer (like Simple Parenting).

With that said, I think it would be really helpful for him to have some structure to his day. Perhaps something like this:

• 7:00ish = Wake up and snuggle with us in bed; get dressed; make breakfast
• 7:45ish = Clear his breakfast dishes and wash the dishes (move the learning tower over to the sink and put on our water-work apron)
• Until 9:30am (when Tate goes down for his first nap) = Play with Danielle and Tate
• Continue independent play until 11am (with the option to fix himself a snack during his play/work time)
• 11:00ish = Begin lunch preparation
• 11:30ish = Eat lunch w/Tate and then clear and clean dishes
• 12:15ish = Walk to the park
• 2:30pm = Tate's second nap; Henry and Danielle read books and then Henry plays in his room by himself quietly
• 3:15pm = Make a snack
• 3:30pm = Play with Danielle or go on an adventure with me (to the YMCA pool, library, play date, etc.)
• 5pm = Help with dinner
• Bath
• Evening walk
• 7:00pm = Books and bedtime by 7:15

I still need to figure out what he can make for his lunches and some new activities to put on his shelves, but I think the general schedule looks good! 

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11 Months: Happy, Happy Birthday, Tater Tot!

Oh, Tater. You are the sweetest. You are so full of personality, and you add so much to our lives on a daily basis. You make our family more vibrant, more fun, more hilarious, and more interesting. We feel so lucky to be around you and to bask in your presence every day. 

You love being the center of the action. Right now we are waiting for the school portables to be delivered, so several members of my team work out of our house every day. You love having all the ladies around! You are always trying to get their attention while they work, and you are desperate to bang on a computer like everyone else does. When there's construction going on in the street or in our backyard, you are glued to the window. You are so curious and observant. You blow me away with your intelligence on a daily basis. 

This month you accidentally learned how to stand. It's a bi-product of trying to use two hands to do something else. You're so focused on the activity at hand that you don't even notice that you're standing! The second you realize it, you plop right down. You also learned how to use slides this month. At the park, you know how to climb up the stairs, turn around, and slide down on your stomach by yourself. On our little slide at home, you walk straight up the front of the slide and then slide back down. Over and over. 

Your laugh is frequent and contagious. You think Henry is the most hilarious thing on Earth. 

You are finally, finally learning to sleep through the night. Mainly because you are not sick or teething! You've had a pretty constant stuffy/runny nose all winter/spring--I think thanks to the germs Henry brings home from school. 

You continue to love your pacifiers. You like having one in your mouth and one in each hand. It's hilarious. 

You are hilarious. You honestly bring so much joy into our lives. Your hair is growing into a curly mullet and we can't bear to cut it. We just call you our little hockey player. You love snuggling and wrestling. You really are pure joy. 

Thanks for being you, Little Buddy. And thanks for sharing yourself with our family. 

We are so grateful. 

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Motherhood

For some people, having a child is like coming home. It's like feeling as if everything is finally in place, comfortable, normal--the way it's supposed to be. 

For myself, having children has been like traveling to the far reaches of the world. Exciting! Alluring! Novel! 

And then the reality hit: I don't speak this language, everything is confusing, nothing works the way I'm used to it working, and I'm tired and homesick. And during the first four months after Tate's birth, I found myself frequently folded over a toilet bowl (but instead of having giardia, I had a malfunctioning gallbladder). 

I try not to come to this whiny place often. When I feel myself getting homesick for my former life--the life where no one depended on me and I had complete jurisdiction over my time and space--I focus on the immense gratitude that I feel for having had the privilege of giving birth to two healthy boys. I am overwhelmed by that opportunity. I consider it nothing short of a miracle nearly every single day. 

But it's a battle for sure. The day-to-day can be so! darn! hard! I want to be reading or writing or running or doing yoga or sewing or making a template or producing a podcast or pulling together a birthday present for a friend or talking to my mom or planning our next vacation or sleeping in or watching a movie. And instead I am helping a three year-old look for his shoes because he took them off to play in his tent and forgot to put them in his basket by the door. Or I'm trying to wipe poop off a ten month-old's butt who clearly doesn't want to be undergoing that experience either. Or I'm fighting the urge to curl up in an exhausted ball on the bed instead of finishing the dishes.  

And the whole time I'm trying to project patience and positivity and calm and caring. And inside I'm not feeling any of those things! I'm feeling impatient and frustrated and selfish. 

I don't regret having children at all. Not even a little bit. And I don't regret deciding to have two, even though I know our lives would be so much easier with one right now. But I just need to take this moment to acknowledge how hard it is. To give myself permission to feel all the horrible things I feel on the inside and to celebrate how amazingly committed I am to channeling it into positive interactions with my children on the outside. 

And I'm saying it aloud in case any of you feel something similar. Parenting is frequently such a hard, thankless job. I'm looking forward to the time when Tate will regularly sleep through the night and when my boys' schedules and play preferences sync up a bit more. Maybe 16 months will bring a huge shift just like it did with Henry? 

In the meantime, I'm just going to have to vent from time to time and then fall back on my mantra: "Let's be grateful." 

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Still Dealing with Stress Eating

I know this topic is getting old, but it's something I'm still dealing with. And honestly, it's a process rather than a product anyway, so it makes sense that I'm back in this space to reflect and generate new strategies going forward.

I've been trying to exercise regularly and get my eating into a healthy pattern. Before I focus on what I'm not doing and what's not working, I should celebrate the progress I've made. I am now exercising an average of two times a week! (The exclamation mark is a forced attempt to celebrate something that feels very small). But this is not the time for self-judgement--I'm going to celebrate my two times a week! It's progress for sure.

And I still have a plan for fitting in that third day--I just need to schedule it on Sunday so I follow through with it.

And stretching before bed. I just need to do it. It needs to be a non-negotiable, like teeth-brushing (although I have to confess that I sometimes crash at 7:30pm after Tate goes to sleep and I skip my oral hygiene routine all together).

So when I brush and floss my teeth, I also need to stretch. Why do I struggle to fit this into my life right now? Because it hurts and it's not fun. But it is necessary, so I need to just make myself do it. It can be as short as a three-minute process.

And then there is the eating. Dealing with the surface issues is not enough. Trying to put routines in place to regulate my eating is not working. I still need to have those things, but I also need to approach it from an internal place.

Let me think about it from an external place first:

1. Exercising one more time per week is likely to motivate me to eat better. It's a neat cycle once it's in play. The more I exercise, the healthier I want to eat and the healthier I eat the better I feel and the more I want to exercise. 
2. Matt and I have done a really good job of cooking meals nearly every night (thanks to bulk prep on Sunday or food ingredients delivery on Monday). But there are those nights when we're both too stressed or tired to cook even an easy meal. It's so much more fun to walk to the restaurant in our neighborhood. I think on those nights it would help to have healthy frozen pizzas on hand. They are truly quick and easy and healthier than the food we eat when we go out. 
3. State my intentions: I really, really need Matt's help on this front. I need him to stop suggesting that he go pick up dessert for us (oh how delicious ice cream tastes at the end of a stressful day!). I think it would also help for my colleagues to know my intentions. I might be more likely to hold myself accountable if I could talk about my progress with them every day. 
4. Start with a healthy breakfast. I've been slipping into the routine of grabbing a protein bar rather than making a green smoothie. I need the vitamins and the fiber and the calcium.
5. Commit to a morning snack. I'm hungry around 10am and I need to have an easy, go-to snack so I'm not setting myself up over eat at lunch. Maybe I'll do a cheese stick in the morning and fruit in the afternoon. 
6. Find something healthy that also brings me joy. Matt and I have been trying to go out on a date lunch once a week. It is so tempting to go out for something and unhealthy. We need to find a spot that's healthy and fun. Maybe Eastside Café? Or sushi? Or sandwiches? 
7. So that would cover breakfast, snacks, dinner, and dates. When else do I find myself overeating or gravitating toward something unhealthy? Lunchtime. I think we should just stocked up on inexpensive healthy frozen meals. I hate the packaging and processed nature but it feels like a necessary evil right now. 

Those are the primary things I can control externally. So what's going on internally? It feels like a whole other post? 

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