I was fortunate to be able to attend the American Montessori
Conference last weekend in Philadelphia. It was exciting to connect with
friends from around the nation (hi,
Megan!).
She started by talking about the conflicting advice we
receive as parents. I definitely felt the push and pull of conflicting advice
when I had my first son in 2011. I knew that I wanted to
try for a homebirth
because I wanted a more gentle, simple, and relaxed welcome for my son.
Although I ended up
transferring to the hospital and requiring Pitocin, I was
still part of the homebirth community, which tends to lean toward Attachment
Parenting.
There are parts of Attachment Parenting that resonate with
me. Our first son slept in our bed with us for the first two months or so of
his life, while our second son slept in a Moses basket right next to our bed
for the first two months. I was also very committed to breastfeeding and
babywearing.
But I also felt compelled to move my children into their own
rooms around the two-month mark in order to preserve my sanity and my marriage.
And I felt compelled to follow my pediatrician’s advice about sleep training
between four and six months. I also stopped wearing my babies as much as soon
as they were capable of independent movement, and I wanted to wean them between
Year 1 and 2 in order to reclaim my body.
In other words, I had to find my own way as a parent. And it
wasn’t easy amidst all the conflicting advice and all the judgment, especially
because I was so desperate to get it right.
The author also spoke of what happens when we wait later and
later to have children. She said it can make the transition to parenthood more
difficult because we are more acutely aware of the “before” and “after.” This
was definitely
the case with me. My transition into motherhood was fraught with
mourning for the independence and freedom I had to forfeit in order to meet my
child’s needs.
She added that sticking with our children is the one binding
commitment that our culture asks of us. We’re allowed to leave our jobs, our
homes, our spouses, our parents—but we can’t leave our children. There’s a
weight to that responsibility—a burden—that can make the transition to
parenthood overwhelming.
She went on to explain that social scientists have research
to substantiate the idea that having children actually compromises our
happiness. One of the first studies on the subject in 1957 argued that children
don’t strengthen marriages; they weaken them.
She explained that it’s more complicated than it seems. Yes,
on the surface, our moment-to-moment affect is compromised when we have
children. There are many, many hard parts. But children also bring transcendent
joy and meaning to our lives. She described the concept of our “experiencing
selves” versus our “remembering selves.” Our “experiencing selves” are challenged
by the day-to-day grind of parenting, while our “remembering selves” look back and love the big picture of parenting.
Another point that truly resonated with me was the research
that shows that children rarely say they wish they saw their mothers more.
Instead, they are more likely to say that they wish their mothers were less
stressed out. Personally, I have a lot of work to do in this area. I work
really hard to spend quality time with my children, but I need to work harder
to make sure it is more stress-free time.
It’s also worth pointing out that the author
chose to send her own son to Montessori school because she considers the method
to be “utterly invaluable.” She said it’s “one of the few things that can serve
as a cultural counterweight” to the madness of modern parenting.
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